11 years

11 years since you have been gone.

11 years of missing you.

11 years of feeling as if G-d did me wrong.

11 years of trying to manage life without your love and support.

On the Hebrew Calendar yesterday was 11 years and I lit a yaheritz candle for you. While I was thinking of you and how it has been 11 years of life without you, my husband and I had the talk.

He admitted to his depression and his drinking and failures.  He let me in on what is troubling him. He has agreed to see professional help and work on us. Now I know this has all been said and done before and after a few months I have often found myself back in the same place. But since yesterday was a day that I got close to my father and I remembered you, I feel as if you were standing with me through the talk with my husband and you are supporting me through this and I know I can trust that things will work out.

On Sunday it is the 17th of October.  And on the Western Calendar it would officially be 11 years since you moved on.

11 years since we said goodbye

11 years since I watched my father burst into tears as we all threw our handful of soil onto your grave.

11 years ago the last thing you said to me was that you wished I had a better life. My life was great with you in it and the past 11 years have been challenging and even though my days have been filled with love and smiles and laughs, none have been better without you experiencing them with me.

I loved you then, mommy

I love you now, mommy

I will love you always mommy

Another 11 years can come and go and I will still feel your love and warmth as strong as I  felt it everyday I got to spend with you.