Fixing a Fault

Children have taught me that my relationship with my family is and was always toxic. Children have taught me I have unresolved emotional issues about my family and each time Atlas has a toddler outburst, it shows me I wasn’t allowed to feel. Children have taught me that being gentle gets better results. They have taught me I do not regulate myself well. I wasn’t allowed to feel much as a kid and that’s why I turned to this place and I wish I had more time to turn to this.

Oregon has been…deflating. Dustin is not in love with his job and he missing his old job. I miss our old life. I miss all that we created in Idaho. I thought I had to go back to Oregon to appease my family. My family who has hardly seen us. And I know we are 3.5 hours away from them, but we used to be 9 hours away. I guess I’m the one that needs to drive with tiny humans to see them but driving with an infant, dogs and toddler is pretty hard.

I have come to realize that the sad truth that I didn’t have a great childhood and I probably shouldn’t really have to feel badly about not seeing them. I won’t even go into detail about my sister and how they allow her to be to me.

I thought I needed to be closer due to my dad’s memory loss…I thought I my mom would visit more. All she does is tell me weird stories that have nothing to do with what I’m evening talking about. Example: If I tell her that I’m struggling with two children and how hard it is and how tired I am and how hard it is that I had to quit my job because there is no childcare…she will talk about her feral cats or some lady named Debra that I do not know. I think maybe she has memory issues also.

I don’t know.

I do know that we are probably going to go back to Idaho. I know in a previous entry I said I hated Idaho. I hated the pandemic in Idaho. It’s still raging on there, but I didn’t hate Boise. I hated the situation of the world. I hated online teaching. I loved Boise pre-pandemic. This world is so hard.

I think that our life was better in Idaho together. Not like a grass is always greener, just where Dustin’s job is better. Where we have childcare and some good people to help us with our kids every now and then.

Our life was happy and if it wasn’t for the pandemic, we would still be there. All the things aligned and we thought it was what we needed to do…to come back. But it really was not.

I will write to my kids one day. One day when I have more time than I have now and I will tell them many stories about why we moved and just life when they were little. 2021 has by far been one of my toughest years on the planet.

I will say making decisions as an adult is incredibly difficult. But one thing that isn’t a hard decision is making sure every single day my kids know how much I want to talk to them and love them and am here for them emotionally. I am glad I had an emotionally constipated family that never let me feel so I turned to this place so that I can make sure I do not make my kids turn to another source if they would prefer to talk with me.

This entry was all over the place, but that is my brain lately.

That’s all.