Past Relationship Trauma…
Weird how I always find myself here when I’m struggling. It’s different this time because, life truly is better than it has been in years! I’ve done so much work on myself, and I’ve come so far. Things have felt pretty stagnant lately and I find myself overthinking and insecure in my relationship with A. He’s proved time and time again he’s absolutely amazing. And he handles these moments like a true champ. But in my true fashion I question just how long he will choose to handle them. And that comes from nothing he has said or done, it’s just the way my mind works!
He is amazing. Everything I could have ever hoped for and more. We started talking again(we originally talked briefly in 2018) a year ago next month. I’m so thankful that I decided to reach out to him on Facebook. Though we just barely were able to meet face to face in May, it seems like it’s been much longer. We generally see each other about every other weekend. It’s been a fair share of both of us traveling one way or the other. I can’t even begin to explain how easy it is with him. Almost so much that it feels too good to be true. We officially had our first “disagreement” I guess you could say. I wouldn’t call it an argument because after spending years and years arguing and begging for people to love me and to communicate, things are just so natural with him. He recently had to have a finger amputated(that’s a whole other story in itself). It was sudden. It was hard for me to not be there with him. I had asked him how he was going to get home afterwards and he kinda just blew over the question like I never asked. This was later at night and I definitely couldn’t sleep. I finally received a text from him that he was home, and that his room mate and picked him up and got him home. I’ve never been more in line with my intuition. I instantly got sick to my stomach, knowing that was not the truth. I felt myself resorting back to my fight or flight tendencies and instantly replied back with you know you don’t have to lie to me…..from there I basically wanted to just tell him to fuck off and never speak to me again. While I still didn’t handle it the best, I just quit talking to him. I knew if I did I was going to say something I regret. I didn’t sleep the entire night. It’d been so long since I felt like I did that night. And, the weird thing. The feelings I were having weren’t even directly towards him. I kept telling myself maybe I was just crazy…It was my past creeping up on me, yet again. There hasn’t been a morning since we’ve talked that we don’t send good morning texts, I text him good morning. Told him I loved him, but I was feeling really hurt and we definitely needed to talk. I have NEVER trusted anyone the way I do him and I was shattered and so disappointed.
As much as I knew the conversation needed to happen, I in my own way, was avoiding it. To the point, I ignored his first phone call. I dreaded the conversation because I was so fearful that it would all be turned around on me, that he was going to get mad and somehow make it all my fault. There’s that past again…does it ever fucking stop! I did finally call him back and he was brought it up quite quickly. I just told him that I knew it wasn’t his room mate who took him home. I waited…for the defensive comebacks and list of reasons why this was all my fault….and how I even knew that…that I must be crazy and being criticized because I wasn’t there for him. He very calmly and humbly apologized. Explained that it was based off who was listed as his emergency contact and it wasn’t suppose to be her…his ex girlfriend. Which don’t get me wrong, with all of my trust issues, I do understand that it is possible for exes to be friends. Look at me and K…I was in their wedding for crying out loud and I have no doubt in my mind that if I were in a similar situation K would do the same for me. I am fortunate enough to have my sisters, or other family members close that K would most likely be a last resort. A doesn’t have family close to where he is. He wanted to try and explain, but honestly, I told him that wasn’t the part that hurt…I don’t care why she was there and that I was grateful that she was able to be there for him when I wasn’t able to. Being as close as I am with my ex, I get that and that I 100% trust him. What I don’t understand is why he had to lie about it. I explained to him that I want him to feel comfortable enough in talking to me, in being able to ALWAYS tell the truth, even in situations where it might not be that easy. He explained how he has never had that. In his previous relationships he hasn’t ever been able to have these conversations and not have them be big blow ups. Which, I can definitely relate to. The conversation lasted much longer and I’m not going to go over every single detail but I came out of the situation so proud of me and how much I have grown. To be able to explain my feelings…and then listen while he explained his was something I have never experienced. Never once was there a voice raised…any blaming or pointing fingers. I even apologized for just ignoring him and explained and he listened to my explanation and just asked if next time I could even just let him know that I needed some time, instead of just ignoring him. We both have relationship trauma from our past that led to this entire situation. The minute he lied to me, I wanted to believe that the relationship was over. I couldn’t continue being with someone, 3 hours away, and trust him when he had lied. Can relationships truly get past lies such as these? Coming from relationships where I was lied to over and over again, I really thought it was the end. The one thing I will never do is stay in a situation where I am constantly begging for the truth, love, and communication. The conversation I had with A that night was one of the most adult conversations I have ever had. Strangely enough, I feel like we came out of that situation even stronger. I explained to him that I was going to do my best to leave it in the past, that I wanted to move forward. Something I have never been able to do. I was that crazy woman who always brought up the lies or the cheating in my previous relationships. I’m guilty of always bringing up the past. A thanked me for that, but also explained that if I did….he would completely understand. He has always been the best at giving me a little extra reassurance when I need it the most.
I have kinda detoured from the purpose of this entry. But I guess I felt the need to share that story. The last couple of days I have been really off. Not so much in a bad mood, but not in a good mood. My mind is constantly wondering and worrying. It’s been almost 3 weeks since that incident and I was able to see him that following weekend(almost 2 weeks ago) and it was an amazing weekend. Why am I feeling like this? Why can’t I even explain what exactly it is I’m feeling.