2021/10/12

I thought I wanted to write about women again. When I was an elementary kid or a junior high school student, I had been hated and laughed at by all girls in school. So I couldn’t learn how to be loved, or even how to be liked. Later, I was said that “You can’t be loved because you don’t love anyone”. But if you had never been loved, you could love someone else? I heard that the person who had not been loved because of “domestic violence” or other reasons often does the same silly things to his or her children. Yes, it’s the so-called “connections of abuse”. I might do the same silly things because of thinking I love someone else?

On chatting on Discord, a person said I am very brave. Brave!? I am a person who doesn’t want to go to the office every morning. Even I want to run away from the office (or this life). I am never brave. I am weak… slack. But I don’t run away from my weakness. I don’t want to pretend that I am strong. I don’t want to wear strength. Another person said that I am very sensitive. I can accept it. I was once said that I had to become a strong guy but I want to accept this myself. I am weak. I am slack. That’s me.

I’ve finished reading Yoshio Kataoka’s “Outside of Japanese”. It is a very interesting book. We can start from every part of this book (I even think every sentence has the worth to be quoted). He says that the world of the Japanese language is one that depends on the relationships we have. English is the language equal individuals try to show their opinions and reach the objective truth. But the Japanese try to make “harmony” or “peace” by controlling the relationship through the conversation. Yes, that kind of “harmony” makes the peace of Japanese society I think. But I must be an outsider dropped from that kind of “harmony”.

“Harmony”… Since I was a child, I had been treated as an outsider and a “joker”. I had been bullied and hated. Even at my office, I was a troublemaker. Meanwhile, although I don’t care, I have been loved by some people. People say I’m nice. I can’t understand. I should write this again and again. I’m a simple man, who thinks about “ecchi” things and wants to run away from my work (or my duties as an adult). I’m a slacker. That kind of a middle-aged man.