Day 16: Something That You Miss
Simple.
Not a day goes by that I don’t miss her. I miss my mom so much. On Sunday the 17th of October 2021 she would be gone for 11 years.
One of my biggest regrets was not having kids when she was alive…but then again I was 24 and not in a serious relationship. But it sucks that my sister’s got to have her for their first child…well all my nephews knew their Safta and my oldest 3 nieces new her…but my middle sister’s youngest daughter never knew her. They were all really young at the time…between a month a half and 6 years old…so I don’t expect them to remember her. But I remember her and miss her so much.
I wear her ring that she got from her late mother…
I talk to her…
Since I am going to be off work for the rest of the week…tomorrow getting my 2nd Covid Shot so I will have plenty of time to see her and speak to her and maybe she will send me a sign of what to do with my life now. My marriage.
Right now there is nothing that I miss more than climbing into my parents’ bed and cuddling in my mom’s arms. I miss her so damn much. Back in the 90’s my one sister, me and our mom would climb into our mom and dad’s bed with a huge bowl of popcorn and watch Beverly Hills 90210, and Melrose Place and Models Inc. – this was our Monday night ritual. And then when I was the only daughter left at home…my mom and me would climb into their bed and watch Survivor and Amazing Race on Tuesdays. Maybe this why I love bed so much…reminds me of her and the time we spent in her bed and just talking…watching shows…OH My Gosh, I just realized that I live my life so much in remembrance of her…my favourite thing is climbing into bed and having some junk and watching Netflix off my phone….when I had a laptop I would watch dvd’s and downloads off that…but now that has fried up and the only TV in my home is in the lounge…so thank G-d for Smartphones.
When I got married…while I was writing my speech, I wrote so many things to say to her and about her, but I just kept crossing it all out. The truth is that I didn’t know what to say. And I knew people were expecting me to say something but I felt that I shouldn’t, I feel like I didn’t owe any one anything. I spent that day talking to her and missing her and letting her know that I loved her. While my father walked me down the ‘aisle’, traditionally she would have walked me down too…and I know she was there. I wore her ring and I carried her in my heart. After becoming a Mrs. and hugging everyone and kissing everyone and taking pics…I took a moment to just remember her. I know she was there. That evening a flock of birds flew over the harbour at sunset and my one sister and I were looking out there and we both sighed “mommy” at the same time.
I know she had to go…she had suffered too long…but Fuck I wish she was still here.
I can totally relate to this post. My mother is still here but I lost my father to cancer in 2014. There isn’t a single day that passes that I don’t think of him or miss him.. he would have been 60 this year…. So we brought wish lanterns and released them at his grave. He was my best friend and I’m so angry at all he’s having to miss because of stupid cancer… why TF isn’t there a cure for it yet??? You can’t tell me we don’t have enough advancements medically yet for a cure for that BS disease…. Every little girl dreams of the day her daddy walks her down the aisle and that dream was ripped from me…I’ll never have that… honestly it’s one of the main reasons I hate going to weddings now… I get so bitter and jealous of the bride walking down with her dad…. And the father daughter dance they share…. Because that will NEVER happen for me now. Ugh…. Anyways lol I saw this post and definitely felt it ….. head up love…. I can’t say it gets better, because it truly doesn’t…. But we just adjust and overcome to a new normal I guess.
@genmarie90 ❤ thank you.
I know how much pain my mother was in with her illnesses and stresses so I feel comfort knowing/thinking she is in a safe place resting. But being angry and selfish and that irritating irritating petty little girl “I WANT MY MOMMY!!” #JunpingUpAndStampingFeet
@ncumisa bahahaha girl I completely get it! I pitch the “I want my daddy” fit often!
@genmarie90 – I am glad you get me.
Warning Comment
I’m sorry for your loss. Hopefully sharing here helps move you through moments like this. It’s easy to get stuck. Keep moving forward
@sleeponflyon – Thanks You. OD has been such a helpful companion and tool.
@ncumisa I’ve been here for over 15 years. It’s a wonderful place
Back in the 90’s when I was in Primary School probably around grade 6/7 I had a diary on OD. I can’t remember what I wrote but I remember a friend of mine at the time we used it as a way to chat to each other…and then when she stayed in Manchester for a year back in 2001/2 we used it as way to keep in touch and keep up with each other’s lives. But somewhere along the line we stopped, I don’t know if it was because we got caught up in high school or she moved back to Cape Town or because OD stopped…or I dunno. But with the year that I have had I felt the need to express myself and I was in no mood of putting pen to paper…so I googled OD and heat I am. Back in the 90’s I remember it was free and each person could design their own diary and every post could be in different font etc. That was cool.
Warning Comment
You will always miss her, especially in the big moments. But you are right, she is always with you. You may or may not get signs of that, but believe she is. I’m sorry you have to go through this, too. It’s certainly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.
❤ ❤ ❤
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