Out Here On My Own
Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.
I have never had a problem being around people. I always seem to get along with everyone and even though I have always stuck with my close circle of friends and family, making new friends has never been a problem.
But when I look back on my life since after high school I see that I have pulled away from my friends and family… at first it was because they were all in University and studying and preparing for life after school, and I was recovering from a car accident. So I felt as if I was holding them back and I didn’t feel like I fitted in.
But the people that mattered still stayed close and even though their lives changed, I know I could always turn to them. I have been able to be part of their momentous moments and them mine. Relationships, Weddings, Babies… But still I feel as if I don’t fit in. They have grown with age and created their own families…and me…I am wanting more out of my life. I may have grown in clothing size since High School but I don’t think I have grown much elsewhere.
I work a job that I think holds me back from being the greatness that I know I can be. But on the same note I don’t push myself to be more, so how can I expect to be in a job that values me more.
I am married to a man that even though I love and want to spend the rest of my life with…I feel as if he does hold me back, as he is happy just being by himself and not putting much effort in himself. He is happy spending his days drinking and socialising with his work colleagues, who I don’t look down on but feel as if we are better than. His friends are in their 20’s and are happy just getting buy and are happy when they get paid just to go and get drunk and even though they may have kids they don’t aspire to be more. (I know I sound like a snob and I hate it, but I like to be around people that hold themselves up and aspire to be more.
Out here on my own.
I feel so alone.
My life has become to mundane. Get up, shower get dressed put on make up…prepare for my day at work…then go to work…come home and I am all ready for a night I get to spend with my husband but he has been drinking…so that already puts me down…and then he is so focused on his work….so I will change, prepare supper…and then I will find my spot on the couch and watch whatever shows showing on TV or that I may have streamed…I might read some of my kindle. My husband would have finished work for the night at about 8ish…he will then eat supper…shower and then go to sleep. I will sit in the lounge and hear him snoring at like 9pm.
We’re always provin’ who we are,
Always reachin’
For that risin’ star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
I want so much more than the life I am living. But I love my husband and I don’t want to leave him…but he is content with this life and if I want more I feel I may have to leave him…and then what?
For awhile I have been thinking about converting to Judaism and yesterday I sent my registration forms and it will be happening next year. I haven’t told my husband this as I am barely speaking to him. I don’t think this is a conversation I want to have with him when he has been drinking and that seems to be how he has been this whole week. I am really looking forward to this. Feel as if I am finally going to be living my true destiny and I will be something that I can be proud of and feel as if I have found my place in life. And while on this new journey I may find my own new circle of friends and people I can relate to and want to experience life with.
I have always known it but now I am actually going to create it…my home…my Jewish home.
Lately I have been having these day dreams… Me meeting a lovely mature and accomplished Jewish Man. This is not the first time I have dreamt of being with someone else or feeling an attraction to someone else. With the way things are with me and my husband I totally understand my dreams and feelings. I am just wanting to be loved and to be appreciated and to be looked after…I thought when I married my husband, even though it is not legal, but in front of G-d and our family and friends we promised to love each other and be there for each other. But I just feel so alone…I am living life on my own.
When I’m down and feelin’ blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
I dream of sharing my life with someone who really showed that they loved me. That used to be my husband.
He tells me that he is going on leave for 2 weeks from Monday and that he will relax and focus on us. But fuck does my husband the man who chose to spend his life with me and create a family with me, need to take leave from work just so he can make time for me? Am I not worth more? Does he not love me? Does he not think of me and want to be with me all the time? It is funny how my husband has to schedule time to be with me. He says his leave is going to be all about relaxing and focusing on our marriage and getting us back on good ground, but I am not holding my breathe. I can see it now. He will have 2 weeks off work and he will just be sleeping….binge watching shows…and drinking…
Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,
I dry the tears
I’ve never shown,
Out here on my own.
But this weekend I intend to have a good weekend. With or without him! Got a few Rugby games. Seeing friends! It may be windy in the Mother City but the Sun is shining…Weather is sweet…make me wanna groove…okay I am not going to get high…don’t know where to get weed…but I am going to be happy!! I am going to be converting soon! I am going to be and get healthy! My aim for next year is to become Jewish and become a mom.