Another Day, Another Ramble

Everything remains overwhelming. As usual lately. So much death and misery out there.

My therapist called today. I’d cancelled last week due to being sick and just hadn’t replied to her text. She just wanted to check-in as my silence is worrisome. Still here. Still alive. She mentioned she was only calling to check-in, not a huge deal, I could talk if I wanted or tell her I didn’t want to get into it. Therapy is healthy. Even if it sucks. Gave her a brief rundown of the awful anxiety feeling. Mentioned that I questioned myself and if it was because Captain D had been texting and I allowed it to go on. Yes, good job for recognizing this, it triggers the back of your brain and brings you back to fight or flight. You choose flight and panic. Even if it’s nice, my brain is wired to expect the worse and panic. Makes sense. The moral of the story – No Contact is required for my brain. Even if I think the contact is idiotic and harmless.

I picked up extra shifts this week. Thus, I’ll be exhausted by Sunday. My boss is still suffering the after effects of covid and shouldn’t be working. Another new employee who should have solved this problem tested positive on his first day and now can’t start for 2 weeks. And the other newest employee asked for time off. Thus, it’s mine. Yay. The money though. The money is good. I like money. I need money. So, I will work. My therapist will be…. Thrilled…. But I did say no last time so I’ve made some progress.

Max also asked me to accompany him to a wedding. I agreed. Today I made all the reservations and gave flights, rental car and hotels picked. Because that’s what I do. I can plan and organize like a crazy person. I excel in this area. So, it’s all set up. Now just to go in November.

I’m anxious about it. Anxious about new people. I haven’t taken a vacation like this in… well ever. Captain D turned down all invites. Wouldn’t travel. We never went anywhere exciting like that with no kids. He never took me to meet his old friends. Probably because he had no old friends. I traveled mainly alone. Weddings nearby and alone. Planned trips based on the kids and went alone or he’d come and ruin them. So it’s a new experience. This wedding is also fairly extravagant compared to anything I’ve ever been invited to. Like 24 hours of events. With some time to sleep. Literally. After some research the bride is Indian and it appears they’re incorporating customs from both nationalities. Explains it. This also means it looks like I need 3 outfit changes. I have no idea what to wear. Obviously I need new clothes. Night one is Indian/Semi-Formal/Dressy Casual. 9 am wedding and lunch are Indian/Semi-Formal/Formal. 5:30 pm reception Indian/Semi-Formal/Formal. Do you change between lunch and 5:30? From full wedding attire to dancing wedding attire. I have no idea. None. Who gets married at 9 a.m.? But I’m stressed about my need for perfection and fear of being judged not being “good enough”. I hate I’ve grown to have so many self doubts. Hate it. It’ll be good. I’ll have a great time. I just need to find clothes.

My biological dad is also my Facebook friend. Yay for me. His sister died last week, I commented. Suddenly I have new family messaging. Ugh. Please call me Grandma Annie – So lady, where have you been for 37 years? Because I’ve been in the same place since you saw me last and was findable. I quit replying. And a cousin so happy to find relatives. It appears the whole family sucked at finding their kids. Not just my donor. It’s sad. I’m not sure I’m interested. Yeah, everybody messes up. But I just have enough going on. I don’t need more. Someday. Not today.

On the other hand. My Grandpa – dads dad – has always stayed in contact. Unlike his ex wife and children. Heck, sadly most of the time I was the only person he could find. So I did call him today as the wedding is an hour from him. I don’t even think he knows his daughter died and I sure wasn’t telling him. Sadly, his wife died Friday at home, unexpectedly. A rescue has came to get 20 cats and 5 more cats today. Can’t make that up. It sounds awful. With enough discussion it sounds APS is already involved and he’s got people helping him get his house cleaned up. He’s also got Prostate Cancer and believes he’ll die soon too. I felt awful for the guy. Awful his family has all deserted him. Nobody knew their living conditions were this bad. Just sad. I assured him when we make it to the wedding I’ll be over. 46 days. For him I’ll make time. He deserves that. More than that. Heck, I’d move him in if he’d come. Tho, Arizona and the warmth is far better than Montana and the cold.

Now, I’m currently on the episode in This is Us where Randall’s bio dad dies. Sigh. No matter I’m sad. This is awful. 🙁 But I do like this show. Just wish I felt the same about my bio family.