Crossroads!!!
Okay I am not going to break out into some Britney Spears song and use her words to summarise how I am feeling or explain my current state…
But I am in a pickle right now…I am all over the place and don’t know what to think. Over the past few years the story of my marriage has been a very confusing story and I have forgiven by husband and forgiven myself and I have tried to make our wrongs right…but now I am at a crossroads.
Right now Jews across the world are going into Yom Kippur. and are about to devoted the next 25 hours to G-d and are going to ask for forgiveness for all the mistakes and wrong doings they have done in the past year and they are going to ask G-d to forgive them
(going into 5782)
I want to convert next year and I want to create a Jewish home for myself and any children I may be blessed with, but if I cannot let go of my husbands transgressions and if I cannot forgive him then how can I ask G-d to ‘Inscribe me in the Book of Life’ how can I ask G-d to “Forgive my sins and make me clean and holy?’ I suppose I can argue that I am not keeping to the religion yet and I am not going to fast this year, but still I believe it and I want to follow it and I want to write the messages on my “Door Posts” and wake up and go to sleep reciting them, but if I don’t forgive him am I really clean and at G-d’s mercy?
I dunno. So now I am at a crossroads because I don’t know how to feel. I feel if I do forgive him then I am being a “doormat” and just letting him trample over my feelings and letting him think I am a push over and will just ignore his drinking and disregard to me and our home…
It seems that you’ve forgiven him quite a bit over the years. How would continuing to do so interfere with what you’ve written here?
@tigerhawk – I have forgiven him many times in the past.
If I don’t forgive him it will be like I am the ‘Pot’ calling the ‘Kettle Black’. How can I expect to be forgiven for my wrongs if I don’t forgive others. But then on the same breath how can I forgive him if he is just going to do the same thing again and again. You have read my posts and my husband drinking is not the first time I have cried about it and poured my heart out to OD about it. I have been crying about it for 10 years and have written many ‘Posts’ about his drinking. We had a brief chat on WhatsApp today and he said that he does try and provide and works hard so he can give me what I want and help my stresses and worries (which is all true, to some scale) but in that same sentence he tells me to let him have his release and let him drink. So basically I have to decide if I am going to put up with it for the rest of my life. I am going to have approve of his drinking knowing that in 3 days times he is going to go on about how he hates it and how he understands how I feel about being against it and how it is wrong that he turns to alcohol and spends money on it when he should spend money on other more fruitful things…
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