Attorney Calls. Finances.

I’m realizing the days I have therapy I just feel so drained and blah after. Like wanting to cry, but not cry. Just alone, silence, decompressing. I know it’s normal as you’re really digging deep during that time and of course it’s emotionally draining.

Working both jobs yesterday kept me distracted. When they were over tho I was ready for just downtime. Max had texted they were playing frisbee at the park and I could sure join them. It was obvious he wanted me to go, but I just couldn’t. Instead choosing to go home at 10 p.m., start laundry, take out the garbage, clean and shower. Cleaning is definitely my outlet when I feel the world is spinning too fast.

My attorney called yesterday. They yet again attended and continued the scheduling hearing. He said they’re hoping the divorce will be wrapped up in a couple weeks and it won’t be necessary. Ummm, that’s what I said all week? He said that the Douche’s attorney is staying on. I hadn’t realized he was quitting? They’ve continued to have more blow-ups as he’s just as psycho with him I guess. But he will cool down and we will get this done in 2 weeks. So, I guess his attorney plans to call him next week to figure out negotiations but didn’t want to call this week – Stating he’s too volatile and needs the weekend to relax. You think? I guess the douche also claimed I voluntary went to his house and agreed to $5K. Which I did – But he lured me in with a carton of cigarettes (never again) and screamed at me the whole time. Thus, it doesn’t matter. My attorney states that me agreeing while getting screamed at is irrelevant because it’s due to coercion and threats. I still don’t even care about his money. I’d take the $5K and run. However, I’ll back off, stay 100% no contact no matter what and let my attorney do what he’s paid to do. Either way I’m hopeful that in 2 weeks or less we will have SOMETHING signed and be about done.

In the meantime, I just keep doing me. I’m working extra shifts this week and next for sure. My boss at the cafe is still out for covid and everyone is quitting. Frustrating to say the least. The money is good tho and that’s what I feel I need the most of. Even if it makes me exhausted. I don’t actually count on ever seeing a penny from him. I’m sure I will but I’ve learned a lifetime ago, never count money that isn’t in your pocket. So, I’m just plowing away by myself. All the bills are current and I’m hopeful I can pay off my credit card next month. That will leave me with medical bills, mortgage and car, plus the every day utilities and bills. One step at a time. I cannot wait to refinance as they’d said it could make my payment go down about $300/month and throwing that money towards savings or paying off my car faster would be fabulous. Ideally, a good tax return would also get me ahead in life. I still owe a decent chunk on my car. But it’s interest free. Paying extra tho makes the monthly bill go down. Finances were my biggest concern on leaving. Thus, it’s great knowing I’m capable of doing them by myself and am getting everything paid off or down. I may feel relatively “rich” once medical, credit and mortgage are all paid off and refinanced. But definitely keeping the second job as life is expensive. Hell, I feel breathing is expensive.

This weekend other than working nonstop Max’s family is in town. Like all of his siblings. He’s excited for me to meet them and mentioned it wasn’t too soon to have them over to eat if they don’t have plans Sunday. I’m torn – I feel like it may be too soon. I also just feel like I won’t be enough, the food won’t be good enough, the house won’t be clean enough. I know that’s irrational. My house is clean and just needs bathrooms done and dusted. My foods always amazing. Yet, the me personally not being good enough is huge. I guess the last 14 years I felt so judged anytime the dovuhe’s family came that I worry. This is one of the moments boundaries come in and learning to say no. I’m just trying to evaluate if I really feel it’s too soon or if I’m being that hard on myself and escaping from my fear of not being good enough. Maybe they’ll have plans and it won’t even be on the table. It feels overwhelming currently, but I can’t hide from life forever based on past fears and experiences. His family being in town & my work schedule also means I will see less of him. Likely a good thing as I do need to continue to fix myself and one of my therapists suggestions is I need to work on just feeling relaxed at home – alone. (That’s scary too, I suck at ever feeling relaxed.)

Overall, I think I feel okay today. Definite anxiety, tired, overwhelming feelings. Yet, not as bad as last night or many other days. It’s more peaceful when the douche is forced into No Contact. When the awful calls & texts don’t occur. So, I’ll take it and remember, all I can do is one day at a time.