Awful Couple of Days

It’s been a long couple of days. Of course, something had to happen after the happy pictures to throw it all off.

To begin, douche returned to being a complete douche. He started nice. Offering me a carton of cigarettes, back to wanting to be friends, telling me how great I looked and how jealous of my boyfriend he is, how he wants more for me. We all know he can’t just be nice tho. He went from wishing me a good day & hoping to see me to hating me, accusing me of being on dating sites forever, calling me a whore among other things, calling screaming psychotically. Good times. That was Monday allllll day. Yay. Then today he texts he’s sorry for his last text and doesn’t mean it and doesn’t care. Okay. Whatever.

Obviously I know I need to stick to no contact. Even sending thanks ends in this fucking disaster.

All of this because he’d agreed to payout $8K and is now pissed. I then emailed my attorney and told him to take the offer of $5K, I’m done. My attorney called and told me no, he can’t just let me screw myself. That his attorney feels he will come around soon, at least when he gets his attorney bill, and to stick with my counter offer of $7K as he knows that’s screwing me too, not enough and to not back down. He also told me to ignore him and tell him I’m done. The attorneys will talk. Ugh, all the money in the world isn’t worth my mental health. At all. I guess we “wait a couple days for him to cool down ” and then his attorney will try again. They apparently don’t realize he’s psycho and likely will just keep screaming. But he’s also screaming at his attorney. Seriously. Who does that?

So, I was already having a bad Monday and my 19 year old tells me he might move 1,000 miles away in a couple weeks as a friend is getting a job and he could get a job too. I attempt to explain why this is a bad idea. He has no money. He’s got a good job. Living for free with a friend. Needs to do his HiSet. He says he’ll think of it for a couple weeks. Then while I’m dealing with screaming he calls back and asks if I want to tell him good bye as he’s leaving in 20 minutes.

WTF. Yeah, he was serious. 24 hours later he’s gone and to his destination. I’m sad. I feel like it’s such an irresponsible choice. But he’s got to learn the hard way. It just really sucks when we can’t protect our kids from the heartache and damage they’re going to end up with.

Of course, I blame myself too. If he wasn’t raised in a house with a narcissist he’d of experienced less trauma. His whole world would be different. I threw away his childhood for him. I set him up for issues. It’s as much my fault for not leaving years ago. That’s a shitty pill to swallow. I could have prevented some of his choices and trauma. But I didn’t.

So, after all the screaming, saying good bye to my son, accepting he would do what he wants, crying my eyes out and feeling so much guilt I went and had two beers alone. Utterly alone. No, they didn’t help.

Nothing helps some of these feelings. Nothing. I’m so much happier, yet there are just slaps in my face that remind me of the shitty choices, the tolerance, the fact I wasn’t only hurting myself.

All I can do is look forward. Pray for the best for my children. Do now what I didn’t do before. But of course I’ll still have the sad feelings sometimes. Of course.

Probably a good thing I have therapy Thursday.