Changing Tides
TikTok has made such a difference in the last however many months I’ve been utilizing it. Definitely this year. There was always a knowledge that things weren’t right between James and I for quite a while. I had so much trouble putting my feelings into words or actions. I should have been in counseling a long time ago. In fact, I attempted to go back about 7 years ago, but it caused SO much drama with James, it just wasn’t worth it to me at the time.
Now I can look back and see why it caused all the drama. I wish I would have flipped him off and kept going.
Regardless, I am more aware now of so much. I will be filing for divorce after I have been back at the VA for at least 3 months, so my benefits can kick in; and once Quinn is able to get at least one vaccination. Every time, since I have made this decision, I falter due to positive interactions with James, he does something to remind me just why I need to do this. Not just for me, but for Quinn too. Today, he was…solicitous? Kind? He actually thanked me for my help in doing something for him. He joked with me. It was nice.
If by some miracle, he can pull his head out of his ass, stop talking down to me and treating me like an employee, or a child, and really take a look at our relationship and WORK on it, I will stay. I will stay if his actions were to actually match his words. So far, that would require he take a good look, and responsibility, for his emotions and start to process them.
This has been a long time coming. He’s a good Dad to Quinn. A great provider. I enjoy our family times with just us three. We are like two old friends that made this beautiful child, but should have NEVER moved in/lived together. In a perfect world, I would love to live close enough for Quinn to pop inbetween households as she grows up, for me t be able to bake him some of his favorite things and he could fix/manage my technology. We would enjoy family times with Quinn together. We would just live in separate houses and see other people. I would offer to stay married and just separate, but he would be offended if I saw other people because we would still be married. He’s not the open relationship type.
As a quick side update, family camp with my family went REALLY well, for the first time ever. My current boss is panicking because I have tentatively accepted the CBOC position in Jackson (darn…I have to do training and other things in Ann Arbor so I can visit with the old crew) back with Veterans Affairs. Quinn is growing like a weed. Pam may loose this job and her house, which is super stressful. But she says this means that if this happens, she will be coming back to Michigan to live. (insert happy dance here) I am starting to dip my toes into the Kink/BDSM community, just mainly research before I branch out to meeting people. This is something that James has always been extremely uncomfortable with, and I don’t need to add this community into my current hot mess of a life at the moment.
The list of things I’m looking forward to doing and being once I’m divorced grows by leaps and bounds every day.