Sad Sometimes, Moving On.

I may finally be starting to feel sad.  Not an intense sadness. Just a dull, aching hole. I still can’t say I’m sad about the divorce. It needed to happen. Yet, I’m sad for him. Sad he’s so awful, sad he will never have happiness, sad he just can’t change his horrid behavior. I shouldn’t be. It’s his fault. He tortured me for years. But the sadness for him is still there. He just looks so pathetic, so lost, so sad.

Last week was much of the same behavior. Calls screaming at me Thursday. I’m a whore, slut, cunt, and every other word you can imagine. Texts mimicking the same. He pulled up outside my office to sign some insurance stuff, was an ass the whole 30 seconds, states “I hope you die bitch.” and peeled out like a monster. He’s convinced I had a boyfriend and that’s why I left him. As he can’t accept I left because of his behavior and abuse and not for anyone else. It was a long Thursday.

Yet, Friday he tells me how sorry he is. How he shouldn’t say that stuff. How he’s just hurt. I replied with a paragraph on the fact he proves each week he can’t change. His behavior is the same. His emotional abuse only ramps up. This is why I left. This is why I filed. Nothing will ever change. Ever. That he’s got to go away. He agrees and says it’ll never happen again. Then again comes to my office with insurance money. Proceeding to apologize and cry the whole time. Literal crying. I finally walked him out.

I know deep down he isn’t sorry. He repeats the same thing each week. My daughter informed me “an apology without action is only manipulation”. She’s right. He’s simply sorry I left him for his own image. He’s sorry he lost that control. He’s sorry he can’t ruin my life anymore. He’s sorry I’m finding happiness. He’s sorry he’s losing money. But he’s still a narcissist. He can’t feel true emotion towards me. He isn’t sorry for the abuse, the pain, the heartbreak. I know this. Deep down I do.

Yet, his apology manipulation did work as now I feel sorry for him. Though, I’d never admit it to him. I will stick to my no contact and no responses. But I can’t help but feel bad for him. I can’t imagine going through life and always being that monster. Never having any real relationships. Never having peace. Living in constant volatility and anger. As I escape it and see how nice the world can be I’m simply sad for him. Sad his mother engrained this into him. Sad that his own trauma and environment shaped him into the evil, soulless person he is.

I did have therapy last week on Thursday before his craziness began. We started EMDR. It’s going to be rough but worth it. I was mentally done after and we barely began the easy stuff. My therapist said after that she definitely pushed me too hard for session one but at the same time with my educational background she feels she can and I can do it. Oh yes, I can do it. But wow, drained in the end. So drained. Like she said tho, to heal you have to be ready to do the hard work. She’s impressed I’m going and willing as it takes many people years if ever to address their trauma and past. I’d love to wait years but I want to be happy and healthy. I want growth. I want to live my life. So, I’ll do it now to have the best future possible. Even if it sucks.

I have started talking to someone. Dating is the right word. I met him after I filed. After he’d been out of the house a few weeks. I know it’s fast. Yet, it doesn’t feel fast at all. My therapist says that I’ve been so emotionally disengaged for years in my marriage that being ready to move on does make perfect sense as I have no emotional attachment there. Which is so true. I’ve lived with a mean roommate for years and nothing more. We’ve been talking for a month now, dating officially for a couple weeks. It’s amazing the night and day difference. All the stuff I thought was “normal” wasn’t normal at all. I’m insecure. I doubt myself. I feel like I need to do everything. Yet, he reminds me – You don’t have to do that, I can do it myself. Are you putting make up on because you want to or feel you have to? No, I don’t care if you’re in sweats and leave. All of these things weren’t allowed – I was expected to do everything for him. Dish up his plate before the kids, pour his drinks, clean up his messes, look perfect to go anywhere, be silent during tv, never leave the house in sweats. After 14 years I truly just feel like it’s normal.

It’s like a whole new world and retraining my brain has been hard. Super hard. I’m thankful this guy is amazingly supportive and gently tells me, hey, I’ve got that. He’s super smart and willing to ask questions and analyze the situation or give constructive feedback. It’s different but nice. I’m not sure a single person in my life has ever tried at this level to respect me, be nice to me and off no strings attached support.

Do I feel like it’s moving too fast? Yes. Probably. My anxiety gets the best of me. I begin to feel I just don’t deserve this kind of happiness or niceness. Somedays I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to remind myself it’s okay for the world to be good. It’s okay for people to be nice to me. I remind myself not to push him away just because of my own fears. He’s just polar opposite of any relationship I’ve ever had or anyone I’ve ever even talked to. Honestly, 14-20 years ago I’d of probably never looked twice at this guy or already been done. Because I truly think I was only picking jerks and people who treated me awful. Like somewhere deep in my body I felt that was all I deserved. I ran from the nice ones or flat ignored them. Learning my actual worth is hard. A whole new experience.

Who knows where it will go. It could be over tomorrow. I have no idea. I’m trying to just live in the moment and spend a lot of time still just healing me. I know I have a long ways there. But whatever happens, I am thankful for this experience. For the chance to see what a normal, healthy relationship should probably look like. For the experience of finding my worth, my value, the  ability to feel truly happy. So whatever happens I’m okay with it, it’s a blessing just to learn these things. Experience them. Be okay with myself and someone being nice.

Simply life I guess. Learning how to function and live in a healthy environment. I’m sad it’s taken me 37 years to get to this point. I wish I’d of tried learning years ago, even as a child. But everything happens for a reason. This journey and life will shape me into the best me I could ever be and will help me to know what I’m not willing to accept and build my own new life. I may have never gotten to this point and interest without the past pain and trauma. I had to experience the worst to be ready to accept the best.

It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it. I’ll make the best life I possibly can. Continuing to grow and blossom into a person I’m proud of. In a life they is worth living.