unknown
I just typed a whole bunch of nonsense and it made me realize something… I don’t like the unknown. I feel like I’m going through one of the hardest times in my life. I’ve always had something to look forward to. A goal I was reaching towards. Law school is over now and I don’t have a job anymore and I hated my last job even though I thought I would love it. I failed the bar once already and now my days are filled with anxiety and stress as I try to navigate going through this torture again.
I’m not making any money. We’re barely paying our bills. Even if I pass the bar, I won’t get my results til October. I just don’t know what to do with my life, and I hate that. I hate not knowing. I hate not having a job lined up, or knowing if I’ll find a job, or knowing if I’ll find a job that doesn’t make me hate everything. I can’t see the light at the end of this very long tunnel, and that makes me so incredibly sad.
I don’t know if I’ll have money to get out of this rental and away from my mean neighbors that cause me more anxiety when I come and go. I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids even though I want kids so badly. I don’t know what the future holds.
I know that no one else does. But it’s hard for me. Maybe it’s my OCD. Maybe, it’s because I’ve had my entire future planned out since I was a kid and now this is as far as the plan goes. Idk. I don’t know how to be happy. My mental health is slipping and it’s all because of the bar.
Fuck this test. And fuck me for choosing this path.
I’m not as brave as I pretend to be, or as smart as I pretend to be.
Maybe you are overthinking. Just an idea there. Torturing yourself. No fucking you. It’s normal to freak out like that. You don’t have to be brave. You are smarter than many that never get as far as you did. Golly, I barely got through high school 😉 With that big education of yours, how can you apply it to find something that you make some income from?  Yes, you hated your last job. The next job can be better and not worse. How about “goals with holes”? Alternate realities for you to create? A big positive for you seems to be you have a supportive partner. There is no prediction of the future. It’s a big fucking surprise. You ARE SMART. You have your shit together. You seem to be over thinking is all which creates obstacles. Pardon me for my comment. I think you are being far too hard on yourself. Life is hard enough and don’t make it harder by being so hard on what sounds like a good person. You 🙂 Having kids would make things worse. Baby steps. Take care of the moment and not the future.
Warning Comment
*hugs* You are brave. You are smart. Don’t sell yourself short.
Warning Comment
I worked a lifetime in Customer Service. Pays good and they are always looking for part time people. You can work from home still giving you a lot of study time. 🙂
Warning Comment