Anxiety thou are a heartless bitch

So where do I begin? I have all these thoughts in my head but its hard to get them out. Mostly its insecurities anxiety thou are a

heartless bitch. Some days I am fine and fell on top of everything and in control, then the next I feel helpless worthless and not enough. My husband is loving and supportive but he doesn’t fully understand the extent of my anxiety, like he goes out of his way at times to ease my anxiety socially if he sees my anxiety cues of me touching my hair and playing with it a lot or me picking at my face or nails. He will step in and direct the conversations to topics I am good at talking about. Or he will just hold my hand and give it an encouraging squeeze, but what he isn’t good at is talking about my anxiety or my depression that comes with having anxiety. He doesn’t have these issues so he can’t relate he will listen to me say how I feel but he will say things like you don’t have anything to be anxious or depressed about I know he means well but sometimes I just want to yell at him like I fucking don’t know that. That is the whole problem I know I have nothing to be anxious or depressed about but hear I am.

Its hard for me to make new friends as well because I either over share and talk to much or not talk at all. I moved from my small home town in the states to a big city in Canada. Yeah big move but all my friends and family are in the states it sucks. My husband is quite a bit older than me and has two grown kids and his youngest keeps asking me to come hang out with here at her place but I don’t like to take public transportation by my self so far from home or to places I don’t know well, its been ten years living here so I feel like an asshole because I tell her yeah that would be fun but never follow though to make plans.

I never used to be like that I was always the one getting flaked on, but then again I had a car and would drive myself to where I needed to go and I grow up my hole life pretty much in that area so I knew where I was going so it was easier.

I try to push my self to fight my anxiety by going out more by my self I did pretty good this past Wednesday I went to a part of the city that I haven’t been to alone before. I did

Pretty good I had to text my husband because I couldn’t find the place I was looking for. After getting frustrated because I walked up and the street three times but couldn’t find it only to find out that the location was closed due to Covid. So I had to go to another location closer to my home. So on the way back I get on the street car and bam a panic attack starts to set in. Panic attacks themselves suck but panic attacks with a face mask on fucking sucks. I just wanted to rip my mask of and suck in big gulps of air but I couldn’t because of covid restrictions. So I was talking my self down by say slow deep breaths you go this. It worked but I don’t understand why the panic attack was so delayed? You would think I would have had it on the street trying to find the place. Like I said anxiety thou are a heartless bitch!