I hate this feeling
Like I’m happy as can be about having my own apartment. I hate the wait to move, but I have it to look forward too. Finally, something positive to look forward to. However, I sat back and thought about all the shit I had to go through to get to this point. So many reasons to leave, all of them valid. Yet I wanna cry when I think about the actions of now. Not because I’ll miss him, because I won’t miss him or the mental abuse I’ve endured for years, but because I hate that this is even a thing. That all of this was a lie and I have to go through the process of moving to get away. Like why did things have to be this way? Why couldn’t he be the man he pretended to be? Why break my heart over and over again and show no remorse? Was it that hard to love properly?
How can he be this way and it not bother him? He never cared or loved me and that hurts. I have things I know I’ll never get closure over. Things I know he did but have lied or denied doing. Even when I showed him proof that I knew. I had to walk on eggshells to avoid his wrath, yet my feelings were stomped on along with with my heart. It still hurts, even tho I have gotten over the whole relationship as it was, but the hurt is gonna linger. Living alone is the best way I’ll be able to deal with this and get to where it doesn’t affect me as much. Right now I have no plans to date ever again. Maybe I’ll change my mind later, but for now nope!
Yesterday I headed to the rent office to sign my notice to vacate. That’s what really set my mind to the things that lead to this. Just makes me cry, why me? My intentions were pure and he fucked me over for personal gain. I let him know that he and his son will have to sign that release paper so it’s official. I have 60 days until I move. I’ll just have to focus on that and save up as much as possible between now and then. I’ll NEVER put myself in this situation again!!! I can’t take this again! Wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone!
He sounds like a total narcissist. That’s the kind of sh*t they play. Most abusers are narcissists in one way or another, but it sounds like this guy really did a number on you. If you can find a support group or even a counselor for a little while, get this processed in your head and heart so you can move forward emotionally, too, and not let his crap hold you back.
I wish I could fix it for you. I’m a fixer. It’s my nature. But since I can’t all I can do is offer support and an ear. And the occasional long distance hug.
@caria thank you for your kind words. He is indeed a total narcissist. I think I will get counseling at some point, once I get insurance to help me get back to who I want to be. I’m so mentally exhausted right now and I hate this feeling
@sweet-n-simple I’m sure you do, sweetie. Dealing with a narcissist is soul-depleting. No matter how long it took you to get out, take comfort in the fact that you found the strength to leave for your own sanity.
@caria thank you!! It really is soul-depleting to deal with. I just felt so drained and eventually got to the point where I stopped fighting. I just set my mind to getting the hell out of that house! I am grateful i found the strength to leave and I try to keep my spirits up by thinking about the peace and freedom I’ll feel from living alone. I also think of the things I missed from when I used to live alone that I’ll get to do again.
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Not in precisely the same sets, but I feel you here. Much longer details boiled down to simplicity, I’m just about in the same spot as you with a lot of similar feelings and observations. I agree that sounds like narcissism just from this entry alone. That’s not your fault…that’s every bit on the narcissist. Every single bit.
Moving sucks, but it seems that, in this case, you’re taking a vastly and perhaps long overdue necessary step. It’s good that you’ve reached that decision!
@tigerhawk thank you so much for your comment. I didn’t know much about narcissism until I met him. I bled myself dry trying to please him. He used that to his advantage and would threaten to end the relationship when he didn’t get his way. Years of this shit. And I was dumb enough to give him a second chance. I’m so done, he’ll never get another chance to hurt n me again
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Good luck! 😀 *hugs*
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