Letter 2

Hey you,

Of course i had to dream about you yesterday -.- what a shocker. Maybe because i was so invested in this “Open Diary- writing letters to my ex boyfriend” that my brain could just not stop thinking about you haha. I just hope that this isn’t a phase where i dream about you everyday for 5 days straight. I can’t really remember the dream i had about you, but i have the feeling it has always something to do with me getting some kind of attention from you.

I remember i once dreamt that you came up to me and asked me to be you’re girlfriend, and guess what? I said no. That was the first time i really knew – wow i was finally over you- because i believe that you’re dreams tell you what you -subconsciously – truly want, and for me that’s definitely not being your Girlfriend ever again. So crazy of me to say and truly feel that right ? I know that if you would ever read this that it would hurt you’re ego so badly haha. I kind of like that to be honest.

But yes, if you would ever ask me to be you’re Girlfriend ever again. I will definitely say no- here’s the reason why:

Sure i would LOVE to have sex with you and kiss you, because after all i am still sexually attracted to you and those feelings of  past intimacy comes back. But all this aside… i can never trust you again. Not because you have cheated on me- which i know you didn’t have. Not trusting you’re ex boyfriend  or girlfriend does not mean that this individual cheated on you. No. But you emotionally abused me. I know this sounds very harsh, and don’t get me wrong- you didn’t hit me, shout, criticize, embarrass, or shame me. You were in some ways a very loving boyfriend. You were just so good in manipulating me. Can i still call that an emotional abuse? I don’t know. But it sure felt like it.

You knew exactly what to say anytime anyplace, whenever we had a fight you knew EXACTLY what to say to calm me down. And i know that 70% of what you said to me didn’t come from your heart. You just wanted to shut me up and stop fighting with me. You broke up with me once already- and when we came back together do you remember what you told me ? That you realized that you TRULY LOVED ME when you lost me. Thats why you came back to me. And stupid fucking me thought that this was the ULTIMATE token of love. HOW FUCKING NAIV OF ME? If you truly, truly loved me, you would have never dared leaving me. I don’t ever want someone in my life who has to figure out what he wants after he has lost it. How fucking stupid and toxic is that?

And guess what- you have done this once again, 2 years ago. Broken up with me – for the second and DEFIANTLY  last fucking time. You emotionally manipulated me thinking that you loved me. Keeping me warm until you got bored and eventually found someone else. Thats emotional and manipulative abuse to me. Thats why my dear old friend i could never trust you again, i am stronger than that now.

Pink Wallflower 🌸