Package

The package I sent you has arrived yesterday, according to the tracking information. Of course, without knowing your schedule, I don’t know if you have received it yet. Maybe yesterday, maybe today, maybe Monday next week. I have a feeling that you have received it already. And if so, maybe you will be reading this.

I feel a dull sadness covering me, pulling me down and down, further and further. I did not know that I need to see you like that. I blocked you before, so you will not see me, and with my alternate account, I can still read your facebook page. But all is gone now. It has stopped there, as of that day. Whenever I log on to facebook, a dull sadness covers me, day by day. My sun has gone, and never shines again, or, at least, for a long time.

I keep checking the time you enter fb, yes, i can view it in messenger of the alternate account which is still your friend. That has become my habit, a few times a day, I will check it, as if to check on your presence, how silent it is. That is how i keep my connection with you.

I feel i have no energy to do anything for that fb group that we have created. I created that group because of you, because you want to have a group. I, myself, have created and managed a fb group before, and left it unattended before also, have no interest in creating and managing a group. I only do it because that group is formed by you, me, and H. Yeah, it is like our little child. And now, the father has left, I’m the single Mom there and I don’t want to do anything, sigh… H. is very tired as well, I don’t know how long we can hang on. I’m waiting for you but knowing that you probably will never return. How I miss you!!!

I hope you will be reading this. I don’t know, there are times i want to stop this diary altogether, and I don’t know if I will continue it when I need to pay the subscription fee, but I still have some need to contact you, in some form, so let it be here, if we can’t see each other. I wish, oh how much I wish that I can see you sometimes, somewhere…

Take care & love you!

Vivid Memories

Lonely Saturday 15 May