Limp

God, I feel so frickin depressed today. Theres so much shit going on. I mean its not really enough that one of my friends earlier this year was cutting her wrists, and that when she started finding no sympathy from Natalie (who was sick of thewhole ordeal) she started coming to me and sucking me in. Now, I am not a person to push a person away who needs helps. I suppose that might be why I could be so manipulated. I believed her whole fucking sexual assualt story, no matter how much it changed (first, kris kissed her once.. then kris kissed her twice with tongue, then kris frenched her while she was sleeping, then there was some groping involved, and then there was some under her clothes stuff), no matter who she insulted and talked about behind their back.. even me. God dammit, Teresa and I even drove to the hiding hospital in the snow to see her at 4 am when she claimed to have over dosed on some drugs and cut her wrists again. We almost crashed. And we missed our morning classes because we were so tired. Personally, I don’t think she ever sincerely tried to kill herself. It was all for attention. Since Joanna decided to drop out of college for awhile, my other friends and I have talked and found that Joanna lied about a lot of shit.. and so, although I still believed that kris kissed her… I don’t really know how far to believe anything she ever said anymore. She talked about me behind my back if I didn’t want to go and stand out in the cold while she smoked and bitched about her oh so horrible life. Apparently, failure to give up all your free time for her, or to hang up on your boyfriend for her, meant that you were’nt her friend. Fuck that.

It really took a toll on Natalie too. after awhile Natalie just couldn’t deal with it anymore and started ignoring Joanna. Thats why she started coming to me. Natalie is still really bitter about the whole thing. I think shes having trouble coping. Its not the easiest thing in the world to have one of your friends be that crazy. She blames Joanna for not doing her school work or going to classes.. I don’t know if it is really Joanna’s fault.. but I can see where it is difficult for her to deal with. Her mom wants her to see councilor about her prolems regarding Joanna. I think I am coping ok.. but theres days like these where I’m not really sure. Maybe I should see a councilor too.. but i don’t have the energy.

To top it off there is the whole thing with Molly. I was thinking about this all day. I can’t stop. She’ll never understand how much her tiny little sentence in her diary hurt me. “I am losing respect for a friend.” Me… She doesn’t like me anymore.. But god fucking dammit, why *shouldn’t* she respect me???? Because I had sex? Because I’m moving in with my boyfriend? My God, those are the worst things in the world! Its not like I’m quitting school. I even want to go to graduate school.. something I never thought i would want to do before this year. I want a career.. I want to be a writer, and I will be. I also want to have a family. Maybe with Nathan.. that is my hope and my plan. I’m not moving for Nathan though.. maybe that is the part she doesn’t understand. I’m moving because I want to go to that school. Though its true, I never would have considered Canada if it weren’t for Nathan, Regina sounds like a great school for me. It offers a BA in Philosophy, a lot of languages (the school i go to now doesn’t even offer French), It has a journalism school, the campus population is small but not too small.. its in Canada which is not the United States, which attracts me as well. Almost everything I would want in a school..  In any case, I’m finally getting a direction in my life and Molly goes and blasts it all by saying she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore, because shes too good for me or something now I guess. She and Jeff don’t have sex.. they don’t live together… They also don’t live thousands of miles away from eachother! I don’t get to see Nathan very much. She has no idea what its like to be away from the man you love for months at a time. I hope she never has to. Out of all the people that i knew in highschool, I thought Molly would be the one that I keep in contact with the longest.. even if it was just a letter or 2 a year.. I used to consider her to be one of my best friends. I guess she never really felt the same way though. I was looking foward to going to It Figures! with her this summer. I want to get in shape and it was nice to have a friend with me. I guess I could just go to the Curves by my house… I was also looking foward to lady’s nights with Molly, Molly and Michelle again.. like we did last summer. I guess that won’t happen either. Man, if things keep this way, my summer is really going to suck, which is unfortunate since.. well except for long vacations, I probably won’t be going home too much, and if I do, it will mostly be to see my family.. I thought this summer would be one of those precious times where I get to see my friends a lot one more time before I really do start moving on with my life. I will still see some of them.. the problem is that many of my friends are mutual friends of Molly and I.. so it won’t be exactly the same i guess. This is the price I pay for getting on with my life I suppose. I know people lose friends along the way of life.. but I didn’t think it would be so harsh. *sigh* Well, if thats the game Molly wants to play, I have to respect it. I would love to talk to her about it all.. but I have too much pride to make the first step… She really hurt my feelings and shes made it pretty obvious that she doesn’t want to talk to me. So this is the way it’ll have to be I guess.

Sorry for the rant… I’m done now.

-Hayley