On Betrayal

So.. I go to my favorites to find that my “friend”, Molly, has updated her diary. Very interestingly it is titled “Proud of Myself”.. and then in the midst of entry i find this: “Hayley’s mom sent me a card with money.  I kind of wish she wouldn’t.  She told me how she was going with Hayley to go apartment hunting in Canada this summer.  That makes me feel sick.  Then I feel sick for feeling sick.  I just want to seclude myself from the situation and forget about it (because it’s really none of my buisness what Hayley and her boyfriend are doing), but then it gets shoved in my face with a $10 bill.  I don’t want to think about it.  It really does make me feel sick (to feel like I’m losing respect for a friend ).  I’m losing desire (to interact with her).”

I don’t really know why my mom sent her money.. so don’t ask. I also don’t know why Molly thought it would be appropriate to bring my buisness up in her diary without even discussing the matter with me at all and not even finding out the facts or anything… but since she seems so inclined, I find nothing wrong with doing the same.. and anyway.. since the comment adversely affects me and because this whole matter is more my buisness than hers or anyone elses.. I think it is relevant and appropriate to discuss the matter in my diary.

The funny thing is.. when I first mentioned moving in with Nathan.. she was all for it and said something to the effect of “I wish I could move in with my boyfriend too but our families wouldn’t allow for it right now” but i guess her position has changed… why? I don’t know.. maybe because I had sex with Nathan.. or maybe her stupid boyfriend (whom by the way, pronounced me to be a “slut” and a “cannuck fucker” a few months before when he learned of my encounter) poisoned her mind into thinking me wrong… who knows what happened.

She must think I’m some huge slut too like her boyfriend does… I guess having sex a few times with one person that you truely love and really want to be in a commited relationship with and marry someday constitutes being a slut.. well maybe I am. Maybe I’m a huge slut for being curious.. being love starved. Well maybe they just do not approve of internet romances (I met nathan on the internet originally and we have met 3 times.. I had sex with him the second time we met in person.. after 8-9 months of constant internet correspondance and telephone call relationship.. sorrowfully I didn’t have the luxury of spending more than 1-2 weeks at a time with him in person.. but I still do not think 8-9 months of internet should be pushed aside as completely unimportant). And maybe they think I am moving in with Nathan for no other reason than to have lots and lots and lots of mindless passionate sex.. hardly the case.. but maybe that is how she and jeff construe it.. who knows what goes on in their heads!

Whatever the case.. I feel Molly’s comments were completely uncalled for, uninformed, really really mean (and if she wasn’t looking to negate the 6-7 years of friendship that we have.. really really dumb)

To be fair.. I didn’t really leave the nicest notes on her diary in response to her entry. There’s a slight chance I may regrett my words later.. but at the moment, I think they were completely… hmm whats the word? well they are definately how I feel right now.. This is what I said:

“That was not nice. You know what Molly… I don’t even know what. You have no right to judge badly of me. That really hurts a lot… but if it makes you feel any better… I have now lost all respect for you. Thank you too for displaying your “concern” publicy without any consult from me… that’s really swell. By the way… just so you know.. you have royally screwed things up between us with that comment.. and so… since I really doubt I will ever feel comfortable conversing with you again. Good luck with your life.. have fun.. thats all i really have to say. Farewell. I hope you are proud of yourself.”

I know its harsh… but really.. I don’t know if I can be friends with a person who thinks such things of me. I don’t think it is friendship to berrate a friend in front of her back with never coming to directly talk to her and expressing your concerns one on one with her.

I can do this now, because I can honestly say… that at the moment.. Molly is not my friend.. and probably never really will be again.. we might find some limbo at some later point in time.. but right now I feel very betrayed and quite hurt. I don’t think I can face her anytime soon.. if ever again.

I might be severely overreacting.. but there is one thing thats for sure.. Molly is not my friend tonight and I am not hers.