Clear as the waters of the Thaoslan

  I wanted to clear up a few things from my entry.  I wasn’t in the best of spirits and its hard to write clearly with a headache pounding away.  First, I never meant to make it sound like there was anything wrong with people that live paycheck to paycheck or that’s it’s shameful or something to look down upon.  My own family lived that way for years.  I have friends that live like that. 

  In talking about living on my own paycheck to paycheck had more to do with my family situation and not with the idea of living paycheck to paycheck.  I’ll see if I can explain more clearly.

  As regular readers know my family and I don’t get along well.  The only reason that we get along as much as we do has nothing to do with anything that they do and everything to do with my diplomacy and patience.  Nevertheless for reasons I can’t even explain I can’t help but love my family and be worried about their well-being.  I help my family in dealing with their problems and with each other.  They come to me for advice and support.  I help to ease their fears, draw out their self-confidence and give them the truth when its most needed.  I even help out financially whenever I am able to do so.  Despite what I do, my family has remained oblivious to how much I do and how much I put up with.  I’ll put it this way…if I’m feeling okay then I’m the one that brings out conversation with the family at dinner time, help them speak about their days and laugh about things instead of dwelling on them with frustration.  When I’m not in the mood to do this it shows, noticibly.  We eat in silence or family members gripe about their day.  I’m not saying this happens all the time and I’m not trying to exaggerate the situation, but many times this is how it is.

  What I was trying to say is that while I’m living at home I’m in a financially sound situation.  I’ve actually been able to build a savings for the first time in years.  I’m able to help friends and family sometimes.  I’m able to buy things I need and sometimes things I want without worrying about going into the red.  I’ve had to make my own sacrifices in my life and right now I’m able to enjoy some repast, financially.  When it comes to family, it can be very stressful and sometimes even depressing.  If I moved out of the house I would no longer be in a financially stable position.  I’m not afraid of what ifs or the possibility of living check to check.  Just the idea that I would have to give up more in order to get away from family, family that I’ve already given up things and made sacrifices for many times over.  That idea just angers me greatly.  Not the situation of living that way, that I’d make my own peace with as everyone does.  But the idea of why I’d be doing it is what angers me, frustrates me.

  I hope that makes more sense.  I’d continue this entry with something more interesting, but I have nothing interesting to write.

-Damien