Screenwriting Pitch

  This is important too, but real entry back that way

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  Okay, I really need everyone’s help with this one.  I’m going to post my screenwriting pitch up here and I need you to let me know what you think.  I need to know if its clear.  I need to know if its to the point or too long-winded.  Do the sentences run-on or do they say only what they need to?  And most importantly, is it attention grabbing.  Does it sound like something you might be interested in?  Does the pitch make you want to know more about it, even if its not necessarily something you would end up going to see?

Angel Kochira, college student, is the most powerful of the new Force adepts.  Two years before, in 2010, Jedi Masters of the Outbound Flight project, designed to explore the Unknown Regions beyond Republic Space, crashed on Earth evading a Sith assassin fleet.  Angel must contend with becoming a Knight while dealing with the everyday stress of a normal life, while everyday the Sith come closer to finding the Outbound Flight and fulfilling its mission, the destruction of every last Jedi.

  P.S.  I know this is a public entry, so I want to make one last note.  I am in a unversity screenwriting class and submitting pitch ideas.  This stuff does get time stamped and is read by a classroom full of other screenwriters (i.e. witnesses).  Basically, it is Poormans Copyrighted and it would be very stupid and very expensive for someone to try and rip the idea or a varation of the idea off.  I do not own Star Wars, nor Jedi Knight, Jedi Master, Sith, the Force, Uknown Regions, Republic, or the Outbound Flight.  These belong to George Lucas and LucasArts.  However, as per laws under pitching and screenwriting, this is considered an original storyline and does belong to me.  Thanks everyone.

-Damien