Paths

  We all take a path through life.  In different instances the path branches in different ways.  Our decisions lead us to take one path or another.  Sometimes the way is a single path, sometimes it is a maze of paths, leading us from one experience into the next without breathing room.  Sometimes these can be good experiences and sometimes these can be bad experiences.  It has been a long time since I’ve had either motivation or opportunity to ponder the path my life leads at present moment.  A variety of issues has caused me to look at these things again.  It is something to get used as I’ve not done so in a long time.  I’m not sure when it happened but it has.  I’ve ceased to know what I want.  I seem to be just moving from one objective to the next, yet none of these are noteworthy or life giving experiences.  They are simply steps that many of us take as beings of society.  We hardly look at these as the way of society and not the world, but they are nevertheless.  I go to college; I’m taking classes and doing well in them.  Maybe not the deans list, but doing well enough nevertheless.  This is something considered noteworthy, yet it really is not.  It is simply the newest, “next” step in adult life, living in a “civilized” society.  I don’t even like this college, but I cannot afford to go anywhere else.  I live at home with a family that I am more stranger to than around strangers, yet I cannot leave.  I don’t really know what I want out of life anymore.  I know that I am a complicated person, I hardly make sense to many of the people around me.  I am a contridiction.  And now I even confuse myself.  Maybe my imagination is starting to wear on me, maybe I want what can only be given in the the world of fantasy and dreams.  I have to remind myself that my life is not a movie, that things don’t work like they do in the movies, that what I say does not work like it does in the movies.  I can’t even fully vocalize what it is that causes this problem, this feeling.  My emotional state has not been like this for years.  I’m not even sure what to make of it.  I’m not sure what I need.  I’m not sure what to do anymore.  The most I really can see that I can do is follow this lifeless path through where it takes me. 

-Damien