Can’t Escape

I can’t escape. I’m stuck in this cycle. I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of being everything to everyone. I’m tired of having to do everything first. I’m tired of having to pursue others first because of whatever hangups they have to not do it themselves. I want to be persued for once. I want to be shown that I’m thought enough of, that I’m desirable enough to be talked to first, called first, remembered first, written first, anything everything. I’m tired of being alone but being company for everyone else. I’m tired of being able to help everyone, but having no one to help me. There’s no one around. There’s no one to help me, to hold me, to be here for me. Everyone forgets, everyone avoids, everyone makes some excuse, everyone has other reasons. I must be some damn head case. I gotta be really messed up. I must be that damn needy, that selfish, that strange, that weird, that dark, that something to repel people the way I seem to. I don’t know what to do. I’m so far gone. I feel so dull. I hear people talking to me and things start going around in my head, things that are so different from the way I used to be. Things that seem like I really just don’t care, that I’ve gone past cynical, past cold. I can never get warm. I want to shout, but there’s nowhere I can do it anyway. Anywhere I could do it would freak too many people out. The fates have damned me. Trying to get in a good relationship, to be happy with someone…it’s like traveling down a highway with no speed limit, but speed bumps every five miles. Are my hopes so high, my dreams so far, my fantasy so strange that’s there’s not a woman out there for me. Someone that can hold on to me no matter what just as I hold on to her. Everyday I feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m about ready to start gibbering nonsense before they wheel me away wearing one of those white jackets. Nothing makes sense anymore. So many things are going wrong right now. So many things are beyond my control, yet it seems like my fault when it happens. I want my chance, I want to rise above, I want to be that man. I want to be the one that walks into a room and all the girls turn and look. They want to know that man. All the guys turn and look. They all wish they were this man. But I’m not. If anything I know for sure is that I’m definatly not that man. And with my life going as it is, I’ll never be that man. And the really sad thing is that even if everyone in the world read this, if every person that knew me, knows me, or will know me read this it wouldn’t make any difference. Things might seem like they would change for a bit, but then it would go back to exactly the way it really is. Everyone will forget again, everyone will lose themselves in their own life. I’ll be the one of the side again. Like tape or a cheap pen…completely fogotten until it’s needed..and once its served it’s purpose, it’s forgotten again. This entry had no point of course. Because even if it did, it wouldn’t matter.

Damien