Somebody Tell Me…

…Why it feels more real when I dream than when I am awake.

Anyone?

O well. Anyway – on to business! First of all, if you have not read the previous entry, please do so now. Are you done? Good. Pretty crazy stuff, huh? Well the craziness is about to increase tenfold, so hold onto your hats. I said the Phantom had a dilema, and here it is. First off, Friday night he had a dream. There’s our Ghost, who for the purpose of this dream will be me, because it feels more real when I dream than when I am awake. So anyway, there’s me, somewhere in my school, I believe. There are a few people around. But most importantly, there stands Kristin.

So there we have Kristin and I, standing there. And though I cannot remember what happened to prompt this, I kissed her! Now this seems shocking enough, but here’s the real kicker – upon kissing her, I was suddenly repulsed, and I pushed her away. The people around us looked confused, and I ran off, equally confused. Kristin was left standing there.

Cut to: Saturday. This dream obviously intrigued the Phantom, but he soon put it in the back of his mind, for there were many things going on Saturday. Including a birthday party for his friend Vickie. People at this party included the Phantom’s good mate – Sam Moodey, some of his other freinds – Megan, Erica, Jason, Keven, Zach, and the Phantom’s kindred soul, Gretchen. Yes, Gretchen…some of you may remember her from entries past. The Phantom brought her up a lot. And then, suddenly…she was never brought up again.

You see, the Phantom liked her last year. He liked her quite a bit. She was the first lass who the Phantom really thought could end up being his girlfriend. And trust me, he had made his fair share of prior attempts…OK, 3 to be exact. None of those came close. But with Gretchen, there seemed to be a mutual attraction. She said herself that they were “kindred souls.”

So, as would seem the thing to do, our Opera Ghost kept going in that direction. First they were just friends, as it often goes. Let me remind you, at this time the Phantom had sworn off getting involved with lasses, since the last time he had done so ended in tragedy. So anyway, as time went by our Ghost was beginning to think that Gretchen might like him. He thought about this. And eventually, he started to realize something.

Whether or not she liked him was unkown. But it was becoming very clear that the Phantom liked her. And so he just kept on being friends with her, hanging out with her more, getting to know her better, etc. etc. until eventually they arrived at the “kindred soul” level. They fit together so well it was downright frightening. And by total luck, they ended up seeing a movie together (Hidalgo, if you must know). It was quite an enjoyable evening and by this time the Phantom knew what he had to do.

He told Gretchen how he felt. The last 3 times he tried such a thing it went very badly. But this time…it didn’t. To this day, however, our Opera Ghost is unsure exactly how she felt/feels. Her response was fairly ambiguous. They decided to just…see what happened. So they just kept going along the same path…and never went any further. The most likely reason for this was Gretchen’s opinion that “highschool relationships are pointless,” not to mention she said “I like what we have now.”

So essentially they just ended up staying friends, because they liked it how it was…and she didn’t seem to have any interest in going further. Not necessarily because she didn’t like him, but just because she thought highschool relationships were pointless. As I said before, it is still unknown to this day how exactly she felt/feels about the Phantom.

So anyway, the Phantom slowly but surely came to realize they wouldn’t become something more, and he eventually got over her and moved on (or so it seemed)…and was devoid of women until Kristin came along. And we all know how that turned out. And now we are back to the present again. I’ll pick up where I left off.

So there is this party, and folks are there, including Gretchen. At this point that meant nothing. But at the party, Gretchen and the Phantom are being (from my point of view) fairly flirtatious. At one point everyone was watching a movie and the two of them were under the same cover (gasp). I know, perish the thought, right? No funny business occured, mind you. But having such a good time with her, which he hadn’t done in a while, did something to our Ghost. It rekindled that flame which had seemingly burnt out months ago.

Unfortunately though, if there was one thing the Phantom did not need at this time, it was reborn feelings for Gretchen. I mean, I just explained how it never went anywhere the first time. Why would it be any different this time? And by now, the Phantom was very tired of failed attempts at relationships, so liking Gretchen again would not help him at all. So the Phantom was very distraught. He spent that whole night thinking, not to mention talking about his troubles to his, dare I say, mentor – The Jester.

He thought and thought into the night. Eventually he fell asleep. And it is then that our Opera Ghost had his second and most intriguing dream of the weekend. It was Gretchen and I, standing (or sitting) on some stone steps, possibly the ones in front of our school. Everything was very dark, except for us. It was so real I was convinced it was just a continuation of Saturday night, like after the party or something. Gretchen and I were even wearing the same clothes in the dream that we did that night.

So anyway, we are on the steps, talking. We were talking for a long time, about something important – something serious. Mind you, it is very uncommmon that Gretchen talks about something serious, so that was unusual in itself. After a while we had to go our seperate ways, so we were going to say goodbye, as any friends would do. But when I looked at her face, it was so sad…I have never seen Gretchen sad, so I was rather shocked. But it was very real, and I could tell she needed something. Her eyes had that look of longing in them. So I went to give her a goodbye/feel better kiss on the cheek.

Now first of all, that would be very bold of me to do in real life, but in this situation it seemed like the totally right thing to do. But as I went to give her the kiss on the cheek, she stopped me. And she said, in an almost whisper, “No…not there.” And with that she brought me towards her and kissed me on the lips. It was so real…it felt just like a first kiss should feel. So she and I kissed for a while, and then she went on about how she had been foolish and that kind of thing, and how she really loved me, how she had just been denying it all this time. It was all so deep, so emotinal. But still very casual. Very real. Too real.

Cut to: Sunday. The Phantom woke up, but it took him quite some time to accept that what he was so convinced was real was just a dream. Once he realized it wasn’t real, he was very sad. But this, on top of the dream from the previous night, got the Phantom thinking more than ever. In combination these dreams seemed to be saying, very clearly, that Kristin was not who the Phantom was supposed to be with…but more importantly…that he still had a very deep and special connection with Gretchen, one that his mind couldn’t let him forget. Somewhere in the dark recesses of his mind these feelings were hiding. Somewhere in his soul he wants more than anything to be with Gretchen. There is no denying it. That dream opened our Ghost’s mind up to many new thoughts, but it did put one to rest. The Phantom, Maestro, Nathan, whoever he is…he wishes he had Gretchen in his life…as more than a friend.

But you know what, it’s not going to happen.

It may have been just a dream reinforcing the feelings that had already returned to the Phantom, and nothing more. But it made him think…that maybe she does indeed feel that way, and has been denying it all this time. Maybe she really does want them to be together just as much as the Phantom does. Maybe she really does need him.

Maybe, but highly unlikely. For one thing, we are talking about a bloody DREAM. A dream of THE PHANTOM has no idea what GRETCHEN is thinking. It is just showing the Phantom the way he wishes things were. It is just something that his mind put together, maybe just to mess with him. That sadistic mind of his…

Pluis I already told you that she thinks highschool relationships are pointless. And the Phantom values the friendship she and him have together, and he would hate to lose that. All of the same reasons he never went any further with her the first time.

The Phantom really does NOT need all this right now. It is not good for him to be liking Gretchen again. He ain’t gonna persue a relationship again, that’s for sure. All our Ghost needs to do is forget about this, get over her, accept what they are, move on with his life, find a DIFFERENT girl…be HAPPY for once!

But it is bloody hard to do that.

The Phantom would like to think that Gretchen DOES share his feelings, but until that can be proven, nothing is going to happen. He will just remain friends (or kindred souls, should I say) with her as he has. Perhaps fate would have it that she likes the Phantom, or will like him, or did like him, and maybe he will find that out for sure as their freindship continues to grow…But until then…Well, you know the deal.

Ahem. As you can see, our Opera Ghost has quite a dilema indeed. But I said that already. Kudos to those who read through this entire entry, it took me all bloody day to write. Most importantly, please leave notes. The Phantom demands it. So until I actually do save the world from dreams that seem more real than reality…

The Universe Can Wait