changes

so, i know i just changed the background colors to my diary like a few weeks ago, but i feel like experimenting with new looks. i hate doing that though, because when you change the diary settings then the settings of all my old entries change too. and i like them the way they are. oh well, cant hang on to it forever.

more importantly, i am finally leaving this place.  gigi was supposed to come pick me up, but something happened with her ride and so she had to cancel on me.  which blew a big one because i was counting on that ride.  it wasnt her fault though. but i called aaron and asked him for a ride. he said he could take me, but then called the next morning and canceled on me too. i was so pissed off. there is nothing i hate more than having to rely on other people because every time i do,  something goes wrong. i am a firm believer that if u want something done you have to do it yourself.  but because i dont have a car, or know many people who do,  i have no choice but to count on the few people who can help me in a situation like this. but anyway, since i wasnt sure if i was going to get  a ride i shipped three big boxes home just to lighten my luggage load. it cost me 80 fucking dollars. money right now is very tight, especially after shipping those boxes, but i cant worry about it right now. it might mean that when i get home ill have to beg my mom for some money, but whatever. as long as im home.  thats the only place on earth that i want to be right now.

god, i can hadly believe that i feel this way.  all through high school i fought and kicked, cried, screamed and pleaded to be able to spend as much time away from my house as possible. i slept in the staircase and  the hallways of my building all in the name of autonomy, independence, freedom.  now that im on my own: paying my own bills, making my own rules,  i finally appreciate my mother, my family, my home, my own fucking bed, my  REAL friends. I want to get out of here so bad. ive met some great people who i feel  close to,  but for the most part the people that i have met here just make me miss my family and friends from home even more. Gina has turned out to be such a huge disappointment. i remember cuddling up next to her in bed with jo and all three of us laughing and talking about how uncanny it was that we were all so similar (we even all want to wear the same type of wedding dress at our weddings).  we were going to be friends forever. but now i dont think that is the case.  im sure gina has complaints about me too, but from my side of the fence she has turned out to be so different from wat i first pictured.  im hoping that once we are no longer living together we can go back to being close, but now that ive seen her true colors i dont even know if that is something that i really want.  i feel so abandoned by her. she used to tell me that she had a huge emotional dependency on me. she said i was her safety net and she needed to have me around.  now that has changed.  jason has come in her life and she has shifted that from me to him.  its like she doesnt think without him.  everywhere he goes, she goes.  she had the nerve to ask me the other day if i was going to spend the night with sol.  i could tell she was asking me that so that she could have the room for her and jason.  when i told her i was leaving on tuesday she was like, "oh well im not leaving til wednesday or thursday so that i can have some time with jason". she said it in way that  made me feel like she was trying to make me feel guilty. like im supposed to feel bad that im preventing them from making out all night. well, im sorry but i dont give a shit. this is my room too.  but its ok. im tired of her selfishness.  today those huge boxes werent going to get to the mail room by themselves. did she offer to help? of course not. did i ask her to help? of course not, wouldnt want her to break a fucking nail. so instead i gave leo, jason, and vik 5 bucks a piece.  and u know what  i would rather pay them to help me than have her help for free because they were happy to do it. it wasnt a chore, we had a good time.  even though they had to meet up with someone, they took time out of their schedule to help. my mother was so right  (of course), when you need help is when you find out who your real friends are. when i told gina that the boxes were really heavy and i would have to make three trips to the other side of campus all by myself in order to get them all there she just looked at the book she was reading and goes "oh that sucks babe".  thanks a lot.  anyway.  im trying to not be resentful. i know that it only hurts me to harbor ill feelings toward someone. she isnt inherently a bad person.  we are just different i guess.  oohh anywho i need to finish packing. i love packing because it just reminds me that im leaving in less than twenty four hours. can i get an amen?!!