Opting Out of Obligation

My mom called last night. I didn’t answer so she left a message with the standard, obligatory information regarding "Easter" dinner Saturday. I’m just throwing this out there despite the fact its not relevant, but every holiday dinner is the same. Change is hard to come by with that family. Its always Turkey, stuffing, and then other unhealthy things. We tried last year to bring a nice salad to dinner. Some people ate it, not a lot and from what we saw people didn’t really enjoy eating the salad. That’s fine. A lot of these people are overweight, borderline diabetic if not fully diabetic (type 2) and my eldest aunt suffers from sleep apnea.

I’m declining the opportunity to be present. I made a point awhile back to learn about these things with more than a week in advance. Twin is volunteering at The Children’s Museum to help with their Easter Egg Hunt, then we’re going skiing after that. Sunday we are driving to and from Canada, so we will spend a good amount of time in the car. I said last week I don’t feel obligated to go, and I shouldn’t. I should want to go. Instead, I want to keep my whole self alive rather than let it die or hibernate for a number of hours amongst judgemental, indifferent people.

When I decline, I daydream of saying certain things and this happens every time I have contact with her. In reality, she is much to cowardly to confront me. She lets that sort of thing come to her… then let my sister deal with it when she "grew up." This time around I want to say that there is no drive for me to initiate contact because I never know if they’re holding a grudge. Despite the fact that Twin apologized sincerely for something neither of us have recollection of my sister STILL holds a grudge and won’t forgive. What person willingly goes into a situation like that? What sort of person wants to put someone they love into a situation like that? Sadly, I’d probably become emotional and not convey my point well… then again, I was able to avoid that with my father so I have it in me to avoid an emotional response.

I suppose when she’s on her deathbed I will take a moment to let out some things to her despite her body being void of the inky black, selfish, corrupted soul and move on that way. It would be a sort of Gestalt Therapy and the last session I would need in regards to her.