DAMNIT!!!!!!
Why in the hell so people run away? I mean, I know that they run from bad situations, but why dont they go over to a friends house if it is not that bad? Why do that think that they have to prove something to themselves? Or do they have to prove something to other people? Sometimes I really wish that I knew.
My friend ran away again. I dont know why she is doing it. She is just screwing herself many times over. Ok, she is in the last year of her high school, all she had to do was wait another six months and then she would be able to leave. She could have done like my Liliah is doing and as soon as she turned eighteen she could have moved out and moved in with a friend. But, no she had to leave.
WHY??? Her life isnt that bad… then again no one knows what goes on behind closed doors. I just dont know aht to do any more. Should I stay with her or should I cast her off, because that is what she is doing to all of us. Should I try to understand or close my mind and just say "screw you" like other people are doing?
I havent been getting much sleep lately, because of this and other things that are going on in my school. No its not anything bad just a lot of school work. I’m so exausted that I just want to curl up in a ball and Die. but i cant, I was never the one to give up easily, I have to keep fighting, even if it kills me. That is how I am. My mother never tought me how to back off and let others handle it.
God, I hurt all over. I am so stressed out that I can see the knots that are in my back. I need a backrub, but will never get one. I am the one who gives the back rubs, not the reciver, I dont need any, because my life is angelic….
Is it ok if I just die right now? Sometimes I wish that I could, but I wont, that is the easy way out, and I dont do that.
I am way to mothering. If one of my friends does something wrong, I think that it is all my fault and that there is something that I could have done to fix it. Maybe I should have gone over to her house when I said that I would, but other things got in the way, as soon as I get home i work my ass off jist so that I can get cought up and so that I can get everything that I need to do done. I don’t want anything to happen to my friends, but when they dont talk to me there isn nothing that I can do.
I haven’t see Liliah for a while now, and I cant help but think that there is something wrong with her. Ever since she told me that she did drugs, I have been worring about her. I can’t help it. It is as much a part of my nature as breathing.
God, what is wrong with me? Is there some reason that I have to go through all of this? Why me? Why? I wish that I could die. That would be so nice right now. Just to curl up into a little ball and let this thing called life slip away… But that is not going to happen, not to me.
I feel like I am a little girl just wanting to be loved, just wanting to be held. I am too big to be held now days, I am taller than my dad, and he is the one who usually holds me… and he is gone so there is not much hope there. I would go to Mom, but she already is the person that most eople go to with their problems, she doesnt need mine too. I can’t go to my mother eather because she is already stressed out enough as it is.
I also need to get a job so that I can help support my family, so that we can keep our house are cars and well my mom. She is dieing… well, we are all, but the stress is getting to her and it is beginning to kill her before her time. There is nothing I can do to help her. What little stress I can releave is reight beack on after I stop thanks to my brothers.
Maybe I should die. If I did then there wouldnt be so much stress around my house anymore, because then Mom would have one less mouth to feed and my brother would be able to do as he pleased and not have to worry about me yelling at him to stop.
*takes deep breath* God…
Alright, I’m done complaining…. I hope. I just…. Nevermind. Well, here goes another day smiling as if nothing is wrong.
Austin, I was in school when I wrote this. No yelling at me.
Good bye all my peoples.
~Forever yours in Eternal Darkness
~Alicesandressa