Prior Mistakes and Current Punishments

 I had my follow up appointment with my doctor and his physician assistant. The good news is that my incisions are healing well. The more important and bad news is is that I have a snowball’s chance in hell of conceiving naturally. I have a 2-11% chance to be more specific. It’s not impossible exactly, but generally not realistic. If someone gave you a 89-98% chance of dying of a disease within six months you wouldn’t exactly be planning next year’s family vacation.

I have stage II endometriosis. They call it mild, but there’s really nothing mild about it since it caused me to be infertile. I also have an ovulation dysfunction; they believe that that can be corrected with medications. Endometriosis however is usually recurrent and progressive. If I’m not pregnant within a year I have to have another laparoscopy and essentially need surgery every year until I stop having children (working under the assumption I will be able to conceive). If a higher power does in fact exist then it definitely has a dark sense of humor. Due to my past medical history I assumed I would have no issue getting pregnant. Now I feel as if I missed my opportunity. I know I deserve to be punished, but it’s heart breakingly depressing nonetheless. I was somewhat young and incredibly stupid..I feel as I’m going to suffer forever for mistakes I made years ago.

The doctor told me that because it is stage II endometriosis which by their standards is mild, and because my ovulation dysfunction is mild, and my other lab numbers like my FSH is good he wants to try IUI first. I’ve read so many articles whether or not IUI is contraindicated in endometriosis that I’m fucking cross eyed. He thinks its worthwhile so I’ll give it a shot I guess. He said 2-3 rounds; after two I’m calling it quits and requesting IVF. 

The internet is a terrible and wonderful thing; one one hand it makes information easily accessible. On the other hand it makes information easily accessible. I have read so many articles from other physicians and medical boards, and (grimace) infertility message boards that my head is spinning. I have read about the endometriosis diet in a number of different articles and when I was reading the it made sense. When I brought it up to my doctor and he gave me the look (”Really? Is that a serious question?”) I felt somewhat retarded. I asked about additional laboratory testing which he told me was a waste, about the chances of hyperstimulation syndrome, and how the fertility meds will affect the rate of growth of endometriosis. He wasn’t rude or anything , but I get the sneaking suspicion he thinks I’m a moron. I also think he doesn’t like me. He seems like the conservative, Republican, pro-lifer type. Considering my past medical history and list of apparently stupid questions I just asked I’m guessing I’m not one of his favorite patients. I’m sort of fine with that; just get me pregnant dude and I’ll clear out of your office.

Which bring me back to infertility and the wonderful/terrible internet. I’ve read about women who underwent 3, 4, 5, 6, IVF cycles or more and FAILED. I cannot imagine the mental and financial stress these people have went through. To tell you the truth I do not know if I would be able to live after half a dozen failed IVF cycles. ‘Well what about adoption?’ you ask. What about adoption? I’ve done my research on that too. A somewhat healthy Caucasian infant in the United States runs about 40k to adopt. That’s one child. A child who has probably been exposed to tobacco and possibly drugs and alcohol as well. ‘How do you know this?’ you ask. Because on the application forms they do not even allow you to request a child who has not been exposed to these substances. Their answer is is that most if not all of their prospective birth mothers smoke, so as adoptive parents you basically have to deal with it and brace for the possible health defects. As for drugs and alcohol the best that you can request is ‘mild usage.’ On top of this, the traditional closed adoption has fallen by the wayside; most adoptions are semi-open. That meaning that the birth parent(s) can request letters, photos, and visits. While I understand the enormous sacrifice to give up one’s child for adoption I personally am not comfortable with this or with the price tag. Maybe I’ll change my tune if IVF fails. We’ll see.