Infertility

 Finally, I am determined to sit down and write an entry. Michael and I married August 2012. We had just under 70 people. Most of the vendors did a good job except for the DJ who was terrible. I won’t admit this to anyone, but we should have bypassed the wedding and put the money towards home repairs and a sick honeymoon trip. Its just that since I was a little girl, shows, TV ads, and friends/family all talk about weddings. Its sort of like brainwashing – all of my friends had a wedding. To not have a wedding is a little weird. I’m tired of being weird. I didn’t have a sweet sixteen because I didn’t have enough friends in high school to make a party (and we have a very small extended family), I didn’t go to prom because I was too shy to talk to a boy who wasn’t related to me (and my lovely high school ‘friends’ didn’t allow me to come with them because I was going stag), I didn’t go to high school graduation because I hated high school (I even skipped out on the last day), I didn’t have a college graduation party because I lived too far away from my college friends. For once it was nice to have a party where something I did was being celebrated. That was my thought process anyway. In the end it was just disappointing. I had one friend text me the night before my wedding to let me know she wasn’t coming and three other friends and their husbands just didn’t show up. The DJ was horrid. He didn’t announce we were cutting the cake, he didn’t play the songs I wanted until the end when most people had left. The wedding was supposed to end at 6pm and most people left by 5pm. Instead of being happy I left my own wedding upset and embarrassed. At least I could say I had one I guess….

So in May of this year Michael and I started trying to have children. After the second and third month I wasn’t too concerned, but by September I was scared. In 2008 I got pregnant after 2 months, and that was without using basal body temperatures and ovulation predictor kits. So now I’m terrified that the abortion made me sterile. I know that I deserve it since I took a life, but even so, the thought of going through life without children is absolutely horrifying. So I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). So far labs have been OK, although some labs are still pending, and Michael’s semen analysis was fine. During my Femvue my RE Found 1 cm uterine polyp. Polyps can cause infertikity apoarently. They are usually benign, although some can be premalignant  or cancerous. The word ‘usually’ keeps getting stuck in my head. Its one of the worst words I think. It’s that little area of uncertainty that’s drives me crazy. If you happen to be one of the unlucky ones, it doesn’t matter that the majority of people don’t have what you have. If I have uterine cancer, I’ll die anyway. The treatment for uterine cancer is a hysterectomy which I won’t allow. That will end any chance I have to have a child and I will not live a life without children. Might as well put a gun to my head. Due to our lovely healthcare system I have to wait until December 6th until my surgery and December 16th I will find out what the pathology shows. Way to ruin my Thanksgiving and Chanukah…

I feel like a terrible aunt. My older sister Becca has two children and I haven’t called her back because I don’t want her to know what is going on. She will tell me not to worry which won’t help. I won’t even go on Facebook any more. It seems that everyone is getting pregnant and posting pictures of their children. I can’t even stand to look at my nieces’ pictures without crying. They are living reminders to me that what I may not be able to have.

I’m 31 years old. I’m terrified that we waited too long. We were going to get married in 2008, but then the economy took a nose dive and Michael lost his job. I worked two jobs for years to keep us afloat until he got back on his feet. He still hasn’t really. This job that he has is stable, but its a bullshit job. There’s no job growth within the company and his coworker have no hope or desire for advancement. His boss is a joke and the entire company knows it. Michael has finally taken his last CPA exam -I hope he passed it. This has been going on for years and I’m getting to the end of my rope. I love Michael, but I wish he had better work ethic. I shouldn’t have to look for jobs for him apply to. He always says to atop nagging him about jobs or the CPA exam but if I dont say anything we just hang out in limbo. He’d probably still be trying to find a marketing job and living in that shitty apartment in Coram had it not been for me. Its not to say I’m without my fault. God only knows I have a mountain of them. It’s just frustrating to not be able to have a child now. We couldve tried earlier but financially we were not ready. My only thought was that in 2011, instead of buying a house was to move to another apartment, and then tried to have children. My thought process at the time was that I wanted my children to be born into the home that they would grow up in. I also didn’t want to have to move into a home with several small children in tow – our home buying and moving in process was a nightmare with just me and Michael involved. Now I wander around my large empty home and wonder if its too late for me. If buying this house was a mai take, if we really did wait too long, if I became infertile due to my my mistakes in the past. I’m scared and don’t know how to handle everything. Today is Halloween. I get to see small happy children with their parents all day. I just want to hide.