No More.

I’m a disgusting person and I deserve whatever I get. I know that. It still hurts regardless. Every man, with exception of Mike, has used me for sex. You’d think I’d learn, but no. I haven’t. I know remember how I felt with Chris and Henry years ago. Being in a relationship with Mike has long since dulled the pain. I used to read old diary entries and not quite understand why I was so angry and hurt. Now it has painfully come rushing back. My chest hurts, I feel nauseated, anxious, upset, and half the time I have to keep myself from crying. I don’t think I deserved the way Chris and Henry treated me. D’s treatment of me was justified, since I cheated on Michael. Irregardless, I still feel horrible. I feel horrible for cheating and almost as horrible knowing that I cheated on Michael with someone as disgusting, self-absorbed, and manipulative as D.

A few weeks ago while sleeping over his house I went through his cell phone and found that four women consistently texted him romantic or explicit messages. One of the numbers was from his ex-girlfriend and fellow resident, whom he’d supposedly broken up with weeks before. I left that morning without saying a word to him and left him a note telling him that he was disgusting to go fuck himself (basically). He called twice and left four or five text messages telling me that he doesn’t respond to them. He said that they were all texting him regarding "why are you breaking up with me" issues, mostly due to me. His other text messages told me that he really liked me and that please would I call him. In his phone message he told me he’d always love me. I have no idea why I fell for that crap. I ended up calling him the next morning. I mean, by leaving D I gave him an excuse to stay away from me, but he begged me to call him back and talk to him. I figured that if he really didn’t like me, why would he spend so much effort trying to get me back? He probably just wanted more sex out of me. I mean, if Mike asked me right now if I cheated on him, I would tell him the truth. It’s bad enough to keep the truth from someone, but it’s downright wrong to blatantly lie to someone’s face. I figured D wouldn’t do that to me.

D only calls me maybe once a week. He used to text me several times a day…before I slept with him, of course. Now if I text him I’l be lucky if he replies a day later. I meant to end it on Wednesday. Last Friday I had slept over and before leaving he asked me to some back on Monday. I agreed and was happy he wanted to hang out with me so soon again. Monday comes and goes…he doesn’t call. Tuesday I call him twice…he finally gets back to me telling me he’s sick. Then I found pictures on Facebook that his ex-girlfriend posted. It was at a graduation dinner for the residents and there were several pictures of the two of them posing together, looking quite cheerful. I felt ill. On Wednesday I called him after not hearing from him and wanted to just get my bathing suit out of his apartment. I meant to just get in and get out and just end things. He picked up on it right away. he told me I was acting weird and then grabbed me and put me on his lap. He ended up kissing me and telling me that I was beautiful…Can you see where this is going? He told me hat "we’d rock our bed tonight." I got incredibly turned on by the fact he said "our bed." I don’t know why. He asked me to sleep over and I said no, that I had a board review course, which I did not. He asked again for me to sleep over and rationalized that it would be a shorter trip for me in the morning when I had to go over to Winthrop. Like an idiot I agreed to sleep over, but since I had already told him I had a board review course I had to leave his apt, go sit in my hot car and then come back. Like a bigger idiot I parked where he could see my car. I know he saw it when he came back because he told me he drove past it..I had lowered the seat to go to sleep.

We ended up having sex (shocker). So I’m basically sleeping with a man who isn’t as good in bed as Mike, who doesn’t have a tenth of Mike’s kindness, loyalty, sense of humor, or love for me, yet I’m sleeping with D and not Mike. I definitely deserve what I get. Anyway, so he told me that he doesn’t think I enjoy it from the back…but then proceeded to that position. I felt disgusting afterwards. I mean, I have absolutely no backbone with this guy. I came there to end things and instead I’m spending the night and fucking him. Great job, **Artist**.

We hung out for awhile in bed talkign about my medical student friends and his residents. He left to go and do work while I watched tv. I went downstair when his house phone rang. I knew he worked nights, so he commonly was called at night, but In heard a girl’s voice on the other end and recognized it as his ex’s. I know she’s a resident too, and has every right to call her chief resident (D) but it was the tone of his voice that made me nervous. He had to tell her at least twice ‘Please call me if you need to." It wasn’t what he said it was the way he said it. The way they were joking and laughing on the phone…it wasn’t very ex-like. Just for finality I really wanted to go through his cell phone one last time and confirm what I thought to be true. he can stay up much later than I can and I ended up falling asleep. It was probably the worst sleep I’ve ever had. He left the hallway light on and his computer in the next room was blasting. Another sign tht he simply just doesn’t give a fuck. He climbed into bed and while I was half asleep he took off my clothes and we ended up having sex without a condom. Another sign that he’s an irresponsible bastard who doesn’t care. I mean, what 31 year-old man does this?? He probably figured that if I got pregnant he would just run and hide and let me deal with it on my own. He snuggled with me for a little bit then turned his back to me and went to sleep. I remember feeling incredibly lonely when I went to sleep. A heavy sadness fell over me and I fell asleep staring at his back. I woke up and the light was already coming in the room. He was awake in the next room. I couldn’t look at his cell phone now. Doesn’t matter, my gut told me that I was probably right anyway. I came into his study and asked if I could shower. he looked up from the computer and told me to go to sleep for another half hour. I actually listened and ended up being a half hour late to work. He came into the room a few minutes later and laid on top of me with his head on my chest. I shoved him off the second time my alarm rang.

I left his apartment feeling worse than ever. I know I deserve to be treated as poorly as I treated Mike, but it makes me feel like garbage anyway. I’m so unhappy…

eserve to be treated as poorly as I treated Mike, but it makes me feel like garbage anyway. I’m so unhappy…