Changing..

So I came over to D’s house that night (Friday, April 11) for dinner. He’s actually incredible at making steak. Unfortunately, that’s all he made. He doesn’t believe in making vegetables I guess. Anyway, it was a good night. We ate, we talked, we hung out. We went upstairs to his room, but for the most part it was PG-13. I lied (again) to my parents and told them I had to pull another 24-hr shift at the hospital.

It felt very weird waking up next to D the next morning. Mike is the only one I’ve been with in three years, and even before that I only dated two guys, both of which were short-lived relationships. I felt incredibly nauseous when I woke up and decided to get out of D’s place ASAP. I woke him up before I left to say good-bye and basically jogged out of the apartment. He texted me later saying that he had hoped I slept well in his place but I guess I didn’t. He apologized. I felt doubly bad.

Rounding with him at the hospital on Monday was pretty weird. I had no idea what to say or do. I knew I kept blushing every time he looked at me. Scrubbing in with him was also weird. And I was incredibly nervous because A) well, I’m in the OR, and that’s just nerve-racking in and of itself and B) I didn’t want to do something stupid in front of him. My friend Libi and I scrubbed into a hernia surgery with D and the attending, Dr. G. It was cool because both of them explained the anatomy and the procedure while they were doing it. D tapped my hand with a scissor at one point. I looked up at him and he grinned at me. I grinned back feeling stupid and giddy. They had me and Libi suture the patient afterwards. Libi later told me that my hands were shaking and that she felt bad for me. I was shaking because Libi is much better at suturing than I am and I kept screwing up in front of D. I was sweating so badly I was afraid that my make-up was running down my face.

Monday night he had me come over his apartment again. I didn’t sleep there, I just crashed for a little while. I woke up at 9 pm though, which sucked. I basically had to run out of there and back home. I told my mother I was working late. At this point she must think I’m a workaholic…It was nice though because I actually felt comfortable this time sleeping in his apartment.

On Tuesday morning I realized I left my lab jacket at D’s apartment…I had him bring it to the hospital so I wouldn’t have to go without it all day and have everyone ask me where it was. He was actually pretty clever with sneaking it in. I walked through the nurses station and left it on the table behind a short wall where none of the students or residents would see. I dunno, I thought it was pretty funny. That day I didn’t get to scrub in at all…it sucked because I really like being in the OR with D. He texted me later that night, saying "Do you know I luv you sooo much!" I didn’t quite know what to say. I’d been hanging out with him for a week. Then when I told him about not being able to scrub in that day, he texted me saying not to worry about it, that "It was a five minute case anyway..and guess what?" the next text said. "Ummm…I luv u!"

Hm. Interesting. That’s pretty quick, no? I mean, he barely knows me. On top of that, D apparently has a reputation for being a complete womanizer, which scares me beyond words. I have no desire to be another notch on his belt. My friend Alex told me that he was dating another resident not too long ago. When I was at D’s apartment I actually went through some drawers (yes I know I’m completely insane) and found some stuff from Anna (his ex). She gave him two movies before she left for her vacation to China a few weeks earlier. She gave him "The Notebook," which I personally would never give a man, and "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," which is my favorite movie. I read her note to him, saying that she wished he loved her half as much as she loved him. She also said that she gave him these things in order to prevent him from going astray while she was gone…Does this mean they are still dating…?? (I asked him a few days before about Anna and he said that he had broken up with her). I also found two Valentine’s Day cards. I’m not upset at the fact that she gave him V-Day cards (hell, Mike and I gave each other cards) but I am upset at the fact that he still has them. If I had any sort of a spine I would end this now. All of the hints are there–he was a bad reputation, he recently broke up with his girlfriend (or did he..?) who happens to be a resident he sees much more than he sees me, and the small insignificant fact that I myself am still in a relationship. This isn’t a great start for D and I…

I was thinking about this today..D is completely unlike anyone I’ve ever been involved with. Usually I go for the tall, broad guys, normally who have a bit of a belly. D is short(er) than the guys I’m normally attracted to (around 5’7"-5’8" ish), extremely muscular, and much older than I am. Thirty-one isn’t old, but it’s a pretty significant age difference in my head. I really have no idea why he was attracted to me in the first place. He goes to the gym constantly; I haven’t seen the inside of a gym in two years. He takes all kinds of herbal supplements and vitamins; I had steak, eggs and potatoes for breakfast this morning. He’s a surgical resident applying to fellowships at Yale and LIJ; I’m a physician assistant student whose overdrawn on her checking account and who probably knows a quarter as much medical information as he does. I’m not incredibly beautiful although I have been called pretty on occaison. D tells me I’m beautiful, but I feel he’s a bit biased. D’s a muscular, toned man with Middle-Eastern olive skin, dark hair, dark eyes. I’m pale and short. I really just don’t understand the attraction. Sometimes I fear that there is no attraction on his end. Maybe he just needs to keep himself busy while Anna’s away. Maybe I’m completely ruining my three-year relationship to Mike, who although had his faults is basically a good-hearted man who loves me, for a man simply using me. I almost wish D never started in with me in the first place. Had he not hit on me that Sunday morning, I honestly would’ve never really taken notice of him. I should’ve told him off the that that I have a boyfriend. I should tell him right now, but I know I won’t…D has really made me start to question my values, my priorities, and my previously well known fierce loyalty to my loved ones…