Doctors Disgust Me

So I began my surgery rotation on March 17. It started off like most of my previous rotation–I was stressed out and had no idea what I was doing. We followed around the surgical PA but didn’t do anything much really. Nick, a classmate of mine, and I were supposed to get a class that taught us how to scrub, but the nurse put it off for a week until the two of us finally just walked into an OR and asked the scrub nurse for help. The scrub nurse was very cool–she taught us in about 10 min the proper way to scrub and we spent most of the week taking turns going into surgeries.

The following week, we were told that 11 medical students were coming into the rotation as well, which made my blood pressure spike. During my ER rotation we had to work with 8 medical students, who basically took over and spent the week insulting us…Apparently, a high school can become a PA, according to them…

Anyway, so one of the residents switched me to the trauma team, which pissed me off. I really realy wanted to learn how to suture and I knew the residents in gneral surgery would teach me. But I got switched to trauma, which is kind of a waste because you sit around all day and just wait for a trauma to be called. If no traumas are called that day, it was basically a waste of my time to even bother coming in. The other problem was that there wasn’t enough pagers to go around, so I couldn’t even get paged when there was a trauma. Two out of the three students on the trauma team were actually really nice and after a few days of being with them, I stopped being as miserable. I also met a friend, who I’ll call Rabbi, who I recognized seeing when I was in my ER rotation. He was in surgery then, and I always saw him with my old classmate who originally told me about NUMC’s surgery rotation. We became pretty close friends, and the rotation seemed to keep getting better.

One day of of the medical students and my buddy on the trauma team, George, told me that a bunch of medical students were going out to lunch and would I like to come. I said yes, absolutely thrilled that I got invited to something, and we both went up to the surgical floor so I could get my jacket. On the way out one of the residents, who I’ll call D, stopped me and said, "So you’re done for the day?" I was embarrassed because he asked me in front of another resident, but also because it really did look like I was leaving early. So I tried to quickly explain to him that I was just going out to get lunch and trued to exit off the floor as fast as possible.

Lunch was good…I had fun with the med students and got to try Indian food for the second time since I was sixteen. I finally started enjoying my second of six rotations. The next day a trauma was called, and while in the trauma room the same resident, D, asked me again where I went the other day. I thought he was just giving me a hard time and once again I tried to explain to him I just went out for a little while out to lunch. He just shrugged it off and said, I don’t care." Well, if you don’t fucking care, then why are you asking??!! The next day I showed up to breast clinic, and guess who was there? The same resident. He informed me that he was mad at Gerald, the surgical PA, and since Gerald wasn’t around, he was going to take his frustration out on me. I laughed nervously and said, Please don’t do that, I would be sad. Besides, why are you mad at Gerald?" So he explains to me that apparently Gerald doesn’t answer pages and generally slacks off with his work. I was really nervous about him being serious about taking his frustrations out on me so I tried to be extra helpful and productive with seeing patients. He was actually really nice to me for the rest of the day.

Anyway, so that following Sunday I had my first 24-hour shift. I was originally supposed to have it on Monday but Nick needed to switch with me because he had a family emergency. I often wonder what would’ve happened had we not switched shifts…Anyway, so I go in at 6am on Sunday and who’s there? That’s right, D. I started doing rounds with him and the other interns. Keep in mind that I’m a student on her surgery rotation, one of the most stressful rotations we have, and I’m doing my first 24-hour shift. You’d best believe I’m going to be super nice to whichever resident is in charge of me since they can technically make my life hell for the next 24 hours. So when D was being nice to me I was really happy. He kept making some odd comments like "I’m glad you’re on my team for the day," and repeatedly would ask me "(Artist’s last name)..how you doin’?" I honestly thought he was just being a wise ass surgical resident and didn’t see it as hitting on me.

He took me downstairs to the ICU where he had me write up one of his notes. I really tried to make my note look good because I really wanted him to think I was smart…the residents’ opinions were really important to me and I wanted them to like me. he looked at my note and said "This is really good. Your note is better than most med students." I was so happy…I really thought that he thought I was smart. So we headed back upstairs where he met up with the interns and asked them if they wanted to go to breakfast. they declined, but D motioned to me and I simply followed him to the elevators. I felt a little uncomfortable eating breakfast with a resident by myself since I had no clue what we would talk about, but again…he’s a resident and therefore much higher up on the food chain than a lowly PA student, so I listened to whatever he told me to do.

So we go to the cashier to pay for our food, and he insists on paying for mine, which I thought was nice. We’re sitting at the lunch table bullshitting about nothing important, and I was starting to relax. I asked him how his oatmeal was and he replies, "It’s soft and sweet..like you." I had no idea what to do except smile awkwardly…Again, he’s the resident…what was I supposed to do?? So I ask him what we’re supposed to be doing for the rest of the day and he says "Nothing." I thought he was joking so I said, "Anything else besides nothing?" So he replies, "You can go upstairs and study..or you can watch tv with me." I liked he idea of not sitting by myself in the call room all day, and there was a tv in the residents’ lounge, where I assumed we were going. So we start to leave the hospital and I got confused…I wasn’t sure if it was rude or not to ask where he was taking me, so I said nothing. Finally as we started o head to the residents’ apartment complex I realized he was taking me to his apartment. I had no idea what to do, but I tried to maintain calm and poised. I mean, if I started telling him I wanted to go back, I would feel stupid.

For the first half an hour or so I sat by myself on a chair while he sat on the loveseat adjacent to me. He kept to his word; we just watched dumb movies like Bride of Chucky and some other random movies. Then he says, "Come sit by me." Ummm…fuck. What do I do now..? I didn’t ant to say flat-out no, so I said "Yeah..but I’m so tired and comfortable right now and I don’t want to move." He repeated his request twice so I moved over next to him. I kept a pillow between us and was sitting as far on the end as possible. I prayed for the trauma beeper to go off. It didn’t. D tells me

, "Turn around so your back faces me." I asked him why, but he didn’t answer. At that point I should’ve left. I know I should’ve left. I was dying to leave. Hindsight is 20/20 though. But I had stayed and did as he asked. He put his hand on the center of my back and pushed, so I leaned forward and side to side. He took his hand away. I turned around and looked at him and asked, "What were you doing..?" He smiled and said "Nothing." Now I’m thoroughly confused. A few minutes later he repeats his request, which I follow, because I’m a fucking moron. This time he takes hold of both of my arms and forces my upper body to lay in his lap. I was in his lap for maybe 2-3 seconds, stiff as a board and thoroughly scared and desperately wanting to cry. I rose up and moved to the opposite side of the couch as quickly as possible. I should’ve left. I should’ve told him that he was being inapproprate and that I was leaving. I didn’t. I stayed on the end of the couch and stared blankly at the tv.

D apologized and even admitted that I looked like I was going to cry. I really really wanted to, I wanted to yell at him. I shook my head and smiled and said "Don’t worry, it’s OK." He apologized two more times, saying he was sorry he made me feel weird. At that point I started to think of ways to get out of there. My cell phone was in my jacket pocket and all of my stuff was still at the hospital. No one knew where I was. D went in the kitchen to get juice and I followed him, telling him I had work to do and that I had to go to the library.  He informed me that the library was closed and that he had a computer upstarirs that I could use. I said no and said I would find someone to unlock the libary for me. I started rambling tht I had errands to do for my sister’s wedding, and then started rambling about weddings in general. Anything to get his mind off of going upstairs. At that point he simply said "Artist..come upstairs." I should’ve told him to fuck himself. However, he was the resident in charge of me for the day and I was terrified of getting in trouble. Besides, how would it look for me that I went willingly to his apartment in the first place? So I did. I stayed in the study and tried to memorize my surroundings, in case anyone questioned me, like the cops. I had no idea what he was going to do and I really had to fight from sobbing. I felt stupid, like I was overreacting. After all, he apologized for being inappropriate earlier, right? I just wanted to go home. Finally I heard him snoring from his bedroom. I peeked in there twice to make sure he was really asleep. He seemed to be. I snuck downstairs as quickly and as quietly as possible and collected my stuff. I wrote him a quick note saying that I didn’t want to wake him and that I went to study. I figured I couldn’t get in trouble for something like that..I practically ran out of the apartment and jogged across the quad, looking over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure he wasn’t behind me…I went to my car, made sure no one was anywhere near me, and called my sister to see if she would let me come over. I drove straight to her house when she answered and spent the day there.

I tried to study during the day but had a horrible time concentrating. I knew D would be on until 6pm…as long as no traumas were called, I could stay at Becca’s house and not have to see him. D texted me once to see if I had gone to eat yet, but I didn’t respond for an hour. I called him and asked him if any traumas were called, since my trauma pager was unusually silent. He told me no traumas were called and repeated his question if I had gotten food yet. I said no, that I was with my sister, and then told him I was close enough within range that the beeper would still work. I hung up the phone with him and tried to study.

If there is a God, s/he definitely has a sense of humor. The trauma beeper rang at 6:10. D wasn’t in the trauma room and it turned out to be the only trauma of the night. I spent the rest of the night in the on-call room, sleeping fitfully. I didn’t get any more calls from D. I thought that the whole thing would just pass over quickly…