Disgusted with Myself

So I know I haven’t written in a long time, but I really meant to. It’s like every time I sat down and had a free second, I just wanted to sit, relax, and forget the events of the day rather than recount them in my diary. Also, I’ve been too ashamed to recount some of the things I’ve done in the past year.

On May 10, 2007 I had an abortion. I found out sometime in April that I was pregnant with Mike’s kid. I had been careless with birth control, but I really figured I wouldn’t get pregnant. I have no idea why I thought like that. It was idiotic, foolish, careless and irresponsible, but I did it. I went to Planned Parenthood to confirm what I already thought. When the nurse told me the test was positive, my heart sunk. Hoping against all odds, a little part of me still grasped at the idea that my period was late for some other reason. It didn’t take much time for me to come to a decision of abortion. I knew I couldn’t keep it and I knew I couldn’t carry a child to term, then give it away.

I broke down one day and called Becca from my school in an empty classroom. She was pretty good about it actually. She even offered to some with me when I was having the abortion. I declined, although I felt like screaming “Yes please!!!!” I desperately did not want to be alone, but at the same time I didn’t want anyone to see me through that kind of experience.

So on May 10, I went to Planned Parenthood and took the first pill and May 11, I checked myself into a disgusting motel in Bay Shore and took the second batch of pills. I told everyone I was staying with a friend. I was so terrified…I kept watching the clock, counting down until 7:30 pm. I had decided that I would take them at 7:30 since I was told the medical abortion could last 10-12 hours. I was scared it would last longer than that and I would still be bleeding when it came time to check out.

So, on May 11, I sat in a dirty bathroom of a dirty motel while my next door neighbors threw a party. I prayed for forgiveness from my unborn child and from God, who if exists, probably hates me. I looked down in the toilet only once…I saw a small amount of pinkish red tissue, and refused to look down again after that. I spent most of the night running from the bathroom back to my bed. The cramps didn’t start until around 9, which continued like waves of pain hit me until about 5 am. I slept fitfully until about 7 am. I bought juice and crackers with me to prevent the nausea I was told would also occur. It was probably one of the lowest nights of my life…

For the next few days I told my mother I had a stomach virus, which she had no reason to not believe. I told Michael that I had a bad UTI. I bled heavily for a month and at one point called the emergency number at Planned Parenthood because I was still passing clots as big as walnuts almost a month later. Ironically, after I called them, the bleeding stopped and my periods basically returned to normal. I’ve developed a hatred/fear of sex. Michael and I have sex maybe once a month, if that. He thinks I’m stressed out over school and I’m angry with him for not finding a job…that’s part of my lack of sexual interest, but not the main reason. I never told him. As far as I know, Becca is the only one who knows…The due date was Dec 31, 2007. The baby would’ve been almost four months today…I often think about if the baby would’ve been a boy or girl, what it might have looked like. I often calculate how old it would’ve been. I probably should talk to someone professionally about this but I’m so disgusted with myself I really just don’t want anyone to know…

I thought I would never feel as bad I as I did last spring, but then I started my surgery rotation and proved myself wrong.