Eh

I’m not quite sure what to write anymore. I’m unhappy, but I’m not sure why. Well, I know some of the things that are making me unhappy, but they’re stupid, and I feel stupider writing them down. Henry won’t even say hello to me. I don’t know whay that bothers me so much, but it does. I don’t understand men. I mean, how can you have sex with someone and have absolutely no feelings attached at all…? How can you just use people the way he does??? I mean, it went from calling me three times a day to not even looking at me. And if I had any resemblence of a backbone I wouldn’t care. But I apparently don’t have a backbone and I do care.

In case you couldn’t tell, I was at his frat house last night for a party. I hate not going, because the parties are fun, and I hate going because I see him and feel bad about myself. Why can’t I be like him and just not care? I see Chris much less often, but as luck would have it I saw him as well last night. I felt sick, since today is exactly one year since I lost my virginity to him. I just wanted to cry last night; so much has passed in a year. I feel hurt and I don’t know how to make it stop. Liquor is usually my preferred avenue of self-medication. I feel as if the all the (unrelated) men in my life have used me or are trying to use me. My supposed friend Almon is no better. He only talks to me when he’s drunk and can’t be bothered any time else. I’m lucky if he gives me a nod when I see him on campus. I look at all the couples walking around, especially the ones I know that have been dating since last year, and wonder "What’s so wrong with me that boys can’t be bothered with me after we sleep together?" It’s not like I jump into a bed with a guy. With Chris we’d been dating a month (which, in retrospect was a bit too short, but then again looking back into one’s past, you always have 20/20 vision). Henry and I had been hanging out since January and we didn’t sleep together until late April. I seem to have that effect on men where they undego an almost instantaneous process of becoming a jerk after I sleep with them.

That creates another problem–if I was intimidated by guys before, I’m terrified of them now. I don’t want to get hurt or used again, at least not any time soon. Every time a guy is nice to me, I have this thought of "Is he actually being nice or is he playing me to get me into bed with him? Should I trust him? Can I trust myself to make an intelligent decision?" It makes me paranoid. It also makes me feel slutty and used and unlikable. And I feel worse because I always see a girl (or two) on Henry’s arm, and Chris is always throwing parties at his house so I can just imagine what goes on in there. I mean, they obviously seemed to have got what they wanted from me and have moved onto greener pastures.

In other news…school isn’t helping my self-esteem either. Microbiology was too hard for me so I dropped it. The problem is, Binghamton made the drop deadline so early this year, that when I dropped the class, I had to do a late drop, which means I get a ‘W’ on my transcript. I guess it’s better than an ‘F’ but still. Between my ‘F’ in organic chemistry and my ‘W’ in microbiology I’m terrified that no grad school willl touch me. My three classes, Evolution of Behavior, The Biopsychological Perpective of Crime, and my drawing class I’m doing fairly well in but my women’s studies class is killing me. It’s a 100 level class and I just took it to fulfill a general education requirement, thinking it would be easy…Heheh…yeas right. The woman is bordering on psychotic. She refuses to give back papers, and she keeps making ominous comments like "A ‘C-" is a high greade for my clas…." I just feel sick. It’s not a hard class but I feel that the grades are very subjective. I feel as if I have crummy luck when it comes to professors. I mean, I understand exactly what we’re doing, but the professor is terrible and has no set standard for giving grades.

Anyway…I have to work at Old Navy today from 2-7. I’m glad I got a job, but I wish it was more…I don’t know…on my level I guess. I mean, I fold clothes. After four years of busting my ass in college, I just feel dumb working with a bunch of high-schoolers and forty year-old high school drop-outs. And when I speak of the latter, I mean my bosses. It never fails to amaze me that I’m working for college drop-outs. I mean, they bitch because I can’t work a register….I never had to before, I’ve always been a camp counselor. I feel stupid for not knowing how to work a register but on the other hand I get pissed becase knowing how to work a register will have no effect on my future career as a PA. I’m in a terrible mood, and have been in one since this semester has started. Living by myself sucks, especially since I’m so far away from everyone. And my car is shot, so I have to depend on others for rides. The main reason why I got this job is so I can help my parents pay for my car repairs. So hopefully next semester my car will be in working condition. We’ll see… Later

**Artist**