A Letter I Will Never Send to the Person That Made Me Stronger.

Dear ____,

I happened to stumble upon your church’s instagram story.  You were given an award for all the hard work you put into helping others.  I’m so glad you got the recognition you deserve.  In a small way, I was concerned that you weren’t being appreciated for the blood, sweat, and tears you helped pour into that ministry.  My worries were subsided and I’m glad you were rewarded accordingly.  That’s what I want to start off by saying.  You deserve all the good to happen to you.

To actually begin this letter, I wanted to share with you everything that is in my heart.  I just want to pour my heart and soul and I hope you will listen.

First of all, ____, I love you.  I’ve loved you since 2001 when I looked over in your direction in Language Arts in the 7th grade.  That was 20 years ago.  The feelings never went away…I just live differently now.

For a year, I was so nervous to tell you how I felt back then.  In March of 2002, I knew that I had to tell you how I felt and reach out to you because we were both going to different high schools the following year.  I thought that I had to have you in some way…even if it was just to be friends.

After I wrote you a letter and one of my friends gave it to you, you asked me out a couple weeks later on March 22, 2002.  I couldn’t say no.  I absolutely HAD to say yes!

I remember our first phone conversation.  I was sooo nervous, yet excited.  Not only were YOU calling me, but you were my first boyfriend.

I loved talking to you in the phone!  And, to my surprise, I was amazed at how we had EVERYTHING in common.  We listened to the same type of music, had similar personalities, we were both creative, we wanted to help people… no matter your flaws, you were PERFECT in my eyes.

We did have ONE thing that we differed in: you were more outspoken than I was at the time.  However, I LOVED that about you.  You said whatever was on your mind, mostly.  For me, that was inspirational to me because it was something I always desired within myself.

When I was with you, I felt complete.  Like you were the other half of me that made me better and stronger.  I didn’t care that you, at the time, were the class clown or you got into fights in school and got suspended (due to you dealing with the same abuse I was dealing with at home)….you were my better half.  Still are…but life is different.

Before we dated, I was afraid to stand up to my former step father, who was abusing and molesting me at the time.  I didn’t even argue with him because I was afraid of the consequences after.

While we were dating, when he tried to give you attitude you gave it right back to him.  He told you to stop talking to me, yet you didn’t stop…you wanted to be with me.  I’ve never experienced someone fighting for me the way you did.

When I was in the psychiatric hospital, you  sat at my lunch table EVERY DAY that I was gone, even though it was out of your class-group area (I was 8E and you were 8F).  My friends kept telling me how you waited for me everyday.  Instead of you sitting with your friends, you sat with mine.  That meant so much to me!  I wouldn’t want to keep you from your friends…but it made me melt when you wanted to sit with mine while you were waiting for me to come back.

You also called my home and demanded to talk to me.  It didn’t sit well with my step father…but it made me want to be with you more!

One day, you got suspended from school for fighting.  Though you were miles from the school, you rode your bike all the way to the school to wait for me after school.  I usually walked home because I was close, but you weren’t.

I was on my way home from the hospital when I SAW YOU RIDING YOUR BIKE back home.  You were in the median of the busy highway and I passed you.  That’s when my Mom said you were sitting in front of the school, waiting for me.  I watched you from the road, while my Mom was driving, until I couldn’t see you anymore.

That moment not only solidified my feelings for you, but inspired me in so many ways.

I’m sorry you had to be in the middle of all that.  I’m sorry how disrespectful my former step father was being because of his jealousy. And I’m sorry for any disrespect that affected YOUR family, as well.

But thanks to you, ____, I wanted to be a stronger and better person.

After my step father was sent to jail, I called you right away a couple years later.  I felt free to reach out to you again.  I wanted to reach out to you and tell you what was really going on.  I wanted you to know the truth… plus I knew you were going through the same thing based on how you acted and subtle hints you left that I can’t describe.  It’s said that an abused victim can spot another abused victim.  I absolutely agree with that.

We dated several times after (3 in total).  We also spent many years as friends…and I am absolutely grateful.

Even though you are now married (btw, I got drunk for the first time on your wedding day…not very becoming or godly, but yeah I did) and have a family of your own….

…I still love you!  With all my heart.  I’m going to be buried with these feelings I have.  I am so in love with you, even though I know it can never be.

I’m also being a hypocrite because I am married, myself.  I do love my husband, despite all the anger and fury that he has…it is nothing compared to you.

You were my first love.

I wish I was the one walking down the aisle towards you or the one you wake up to every single day.

I wish I had more pictures with you.

I’ve tried so hard to get over you.  To tell myself I don’t love you anymore.  I’ve tried praying you away, I’ve tried being mad at you and even hating you.

But not matter how hard I try, I love you.  I will always love you.  I love you so much, ____.  I support you in everything you do, including your marriage and your family because all I ever want is for you to be happy.

I’m so happy for you.

 

You deserve all the best in life.

Again,

I will always love you…

 

Always.

 

Sincerely,

Amber.

 

P.S. Thank you for helping to save my life.