damage

sometimes I sit and think about how everything happened and how I ended up here. and there’s only two reasons why well.. three if you count my dad. 1. my first boyfriend 2. the day I got into a car accident and had to face a decade worth of surgeries. I never really talk about him because im scared to but now that my identity is hidden I would finally like to talk about him. my first boyfriend was a lot of things to me and I was young 13 soon turning 14 at the time. I was kid. he was 18 at the time. at first it was all fun and games. I didn’t really love him. correction I loved him but wasn’t in love. it was months after dating I realized that I only wanted to be friends but I was so little in the relationship I never had a say. I was always wrong even when I was right in his eyes. I was a kid. he took advantage of me. he knew I needed someone and that I never had a male figure show me love. all I had was my dad whom I’ve always hated. he knew I was vulnerable and in desperate need of love and always used it to his advantage. the night I lost it to him was one of the worst nights of my life. I never looked at my self the same since then. I didn’t want to do it. he brought a condom with him and I said no then he proceeded to call me a child and saying he should’ve known better than to get with a kid, among other things… and some how my gullible little head said yes. I always knew he wasn’t the one for me but couldn’t leave him. I don’t know why I just physically couldn’t. something about him had me wrapped around his fingers. looking at it now that was practically rape. he used to abuse me mentally and sometimes physically. he was manipulative. one of the most manipulative people I’ve come across. all these years later it still damages me. I sometimes think to myself why didn’t you do something about it, why didn’t you just leave. but I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave it was so hard to. I got out of it by cheating on him. I know it was wrong but in two days I was out the relationship. my eight month relationship had finally ended. im not gonna lie I loved cheating on him. I was so happy to see him in pain. the look in is eyes was so broken. its funny cause I started to feel bad but I just remembered all the terrible things he’s done to me. Ever since that I haven’t stayed loyal in any relationship. I believe I self sabotage my own happiness. I cheated on every guy after him and now I’ve outgrown it all. I don’t want any sort of relationship in my life. id rather be alone and not have a single worry in my life.