Somewhat overwhelmed

I have the tendency to overthink, especially when it’s something I want, or desperately want to change. You guys know, if you’ve read me, how much I need/want/desire to get away from this household. It just seems so much is working against me at times. I can’t find real work, they all “view” my resume and keep it moving. I work two jobs and STILL don’t have enough to really care for myself comfortably, yet here I am stressing myself out on how to get this done. I know that I’m getting my degree, but really how do I manage not to fall apart doing school, two jobs, dealing with S, wanting Anthony in my life, blah blah. SO much, and I overthink on all of it. S still thinks we’re “ok” but he’s about to find out we’re not. He keeps playing games, and I am done. SO done, and I just wish I could leave now. So my options are, try to get my own apt (being at least $300 away from the 3xs the rent thing some apart require) and hoping these apts (along with a paying a decent deposit, which I’m still saving towards), hoping they will work with me. I’m going to try to call them Wednesday, after I get to the library or some place, to print off my paystubs so I can bring them to be viewed by them. I really pray this works for me, I will have to live on less, but I’d be happy and that’s all that matters. That’s my first goal, only if they say no, do I go with my next plan, an extended stay hotel. It will cost considerably more than living in an apt, and I’d have much less free money, so I’m hoping I don’t have to go that route. What I’ve also been thinking about is just applying for my old job, they have one in Winston-Salem, so I’m gonna tweak my resume (if needed) and apply and hope for the best. I’m ok with moving away (maybe I can bring Anthony with me, haha) but seriously tho, I’m getting out of here one way or another. 

S drives me crazy, I swear he is bipolar or something, aside from being a narcissist. He’ll start, or try to, an argument via text, I ignore it, then he’s the nice guy again. He can’t help himself, the asshole side comes up. Just a few days ago he texted me saying it was imperative we talk about where “we” are going, been trying to do that, that’s why I am done. Yet, when I said ok, he said well um not tonight, i have to be at work 5 am.. I was gonna try to talk to him last night, but I had to be at work at 6 am and he 5. I am talking to him tonight, he won’t like what I have to say. I wanna be free, and I want to pursue other options. He had his chances, blew all of them to hell. I’m nervous about it, but I feel I am ready. I’m tired of caring how he’ll treat me after, he knows he’s not right. That’s why now he’s been acting nice, pretending to care, joking. It’s all a damn game. One I won’t play anymore. I don’t think I should tell him about Anthony, but I won’t slow things down either just to benefit S. He’s shown me time and time again all I am worth to him is money and sex, a warm body and nothing more. FUCK THAT. So yeah, I’m tired of worrying about how awkward it’ll be, it’s got to be done. This relationship is DEAD, so I’m gonna bury it. 

I will end this on a good note tho, I about 90% certain Anthony wants to be with me, but won’t really move. I think he may be held back, not knowing how I feel, or anything about me, but he can’t seem to help himself when it comes to me. Still always respectful, but refuses to walk past me and not speak. Yesterday at work, I came in and saw that he was sitting in the breakroom eating. When he saw me he smiled, he didn’t have his mask on so I could get a better look at him, than I do when we pass each other at work lol. I told my friends he kinda favors Desi Arnaz some, but he doesn’t really look THAT much like him, just vaguely imo lol. So we were really able to hold a full conversation, about work and other random stuff (there were other folks there, but not paying us much attention), when it was time for me to go clock in to work, I made eye contact with him, gave him the peace sign , said see you later, and winked as I walked out. Haha, he smiled and waved back. I saw him quite a few times as I was out in the garden as a cashier, and when I was going to break he was coming the opposite direction. He was on the other side of this “isle” of displays but came to the side I was. He asked where I was going, and I told him my break and when I got off. He holds his hand out, kind of like a low five type thing, and so I do the same and grab his hand. He moves his hand some kind of way to where our thumbs were up facing each other. We held like that for a few seconds, releasing at the fingertips. I did like that, and I noticed how soft and warm his hands were. After that I spent the rest of the day smiling to myself and remembering the touch. I think I got it bad, but I won’t do much now until I know I can. We shall see what happens, but he still affects me the same. I like the feeling, I hope to keep it.