20/20

When do you know? I am torn. I know we are not good for each other any more. We do more to poke and tear and destroy unintentionally, rather than anything else. I know that there are too many things that are not ok. They way he speaks to me, our almost complete lack of any intimacy… I know it is time to leave. Past time. I should have gone long before. But he is not a bad man. He is a good man. He is just not good for me.

The broken pieces whisper I will never be good enough. Too damaged, too old, too much baggage. Another part slams that door and says that doesn’t matter. My job now, is to be a good mother, to respect and take care of myself.

And yet tonight.

It has been MONTHS since he asked about my day. And we family so well. He is such a great dad, good provider, good friend. Terrible, inconsiderate, selfish, asshat of a husband,

I know what I have to do. I just don’t think he will understand why. Maybe he doesn’t want to. And it can’t matter anyway. He’s not willing to fix the things that are broken in our relationship because he is not willing to take that close of a look at himself.

I will be radically honest with him. I will explain. If he wants this and is willing to try, I will give it a last go,  but there will need to be clear lines of expectations for both of us.

This is going to fucking suck.