I guess this is goodbye

First of all thank you all for you notes on my last few entries.  I will try to reply to each one but no promises.  I have started to do some research on the dimentia and I’m not so sure that is the problem, but I’m keeping an open mind about it and am going to discuss it with my mom.

Now, to the heart of the entry.  I think it’s over.  He’s questiong being with me.  I’ve been trying to sort my thoughts out all day but they are still a jumbled mess.  I have tried to talk to him over the years about different things and he never talks back to me.  Its always that I get out my thoughts and feelings and never him doing the same.  He never tells me whats going on and what hes thinking.  I ask and Im always told "I dont know" or "I have nothing to say"  thats his response to everying.  Including last night when I was trying to figure out where we stand. 

He says hes depressed and stressed and such and doesnt know what he wants any more.  When I questioned him about us not once did he speak up and say he wants to stay together and make this work.  Not once.  It sounds to me like hes ready to throw in the towel.  Im pissed in alot of ways.  Number one because yes, we are in a bad place these days, lots of outside stresses are taking their toll on our relationship, but that doesnt make me want to give up on us.  I want to fight for us, I know that we will eventually get past all this crap and be good again.  It pisses me off that he’s not willing to fight too.  That he wants to give up this easy. 

I just, I dont know, like I said my thoughts are all a huge jumbled mess.  I wonder what I did that was so wrong?  Could I have changed things?  Why didnt he say something sooner?  When I first started questioning him about how different he was why didnt he speak up?

He’s going to NY tomorrow, driving by himself.  He’s made it obvious he doesnt want me to go with him.  For whatever reason he doesnt want me there.  He says hes going to use the drive time to think.  That he needs to be able to drive to clear his head.  I told him that was bullshit hes had plenty of chances to clear his head and figure out whats wrong with him.  PLENTY.  I also told him that if our relationship were a priority to him then he would be making damn sure to spend every second he could to figure out whats wrong and how to fix it.  But he hasnt done that. 

I honestly think he made his mind up a while ago and just maybe hasnt had the heart to tell me.

My heart is breaking into a million pieces.  Our marriage didnt even make it to the 2 year mark.  On top of that Im upset that we have Brooke.  I dont regret having her, I just regret that we have brought her into this situation.  I never wanted to bring a baby into this world if there was the thought of it growing up in a broken home.  Without both parents there.  I NEVER wanted that and Im angry that we will be doing that to her.  Im angry that I didnt even know this was coming.  Yes, I knew he was acting different, but I NEVER dreamed he’d walk away from us.  NEVER.

On top of that how do I piece my life back together and move on?  How?  This is not what I want, not at all.  Of course Im not going to make him stay if hes not happy and doesnt want to stay.  Which means I dont know that I will ever get over the hurt.  I love him more than anything…..well…..not including Brooke………and I want nothing more than to grow old with him.  Im in shock that its most more than likely not going to happen.

I told him that I dont think its fair to leave me hanging in the air until he finally comes back from NY to hear what he has decided.  Its not fair to me or our relationship.  So, I told him I want to know before he leaves but I really dont think thats going to happen.

I told him to officially consider us seperated since thats obviously what he wants.  He didnt even fight me on it.  Not one bit.  I told him when he gets back we will look into selling the house and go our seperate ways.  Again, no fight.

I’m not going to make him stay.  Im not going to force him to be here if it makes him unhappy.  Id rather just go our seperate ways and be unhappy myself if thats what it takes to make him happy.  Thats what I want, is for him to be happy…….so I will do what I gotta do.

Even if my heart shatters.