Going Through the Motions

I cant sleep right now.  My husband just left, hes working a 72 hour shift.  He wants to go to NY this weekend for his moms proceedure.  I want him to be there.  On the same note, I dont want him to be there alone, I want to be with him.  Im supposed to be with him.  But he refuses to fly……I cant go if he drives.  I know he is blaming me for him not being there, I know he is holding it against me, I can feel it.  Ive told him to go, Ive told him to, but he says hes not.  He doesnt want me to get upset.  How can I not get upset?  Yes, I want him to be there, he needs to be there but driving halfway across the country, makes me a nervous wreck to think of all the things that could happen.  Then, what if something did go wrong with his mother and I wasnt there for him……..I dont want to live with that guilt for the rest of my life.  I also dont want to live with the guilt of him not being there.  He should just go.  I know that if he doesnt and something does go wrong he will forever hold it against me that he wasnt there, even if he doesnt say it to me I know he will feel it and slightly resent me.  I dont want that.

Something is wrong in my marriage.  Something isnt going right.  We are just two people going through the motions.  Seems like nothing is there.  Feels like he only comes home because this is his home, I dont get the feeling he really wants to be here.  I dont know if its more so now because hes worried about his mom, but Ive been starting to feel this way a little bit at a time for a while now.  Like he wants nothing to do with me.  Does he love me?  Silly question, of course he does, what I should be asking is if hes still IN love with me or not.  Better yet, does he even LIKE me?  I wonder these things because it truly seems like the answer is no more and more these days.  Hes miserable here, hes cold and distant.  Weve really only had sex maybe once in the last 3 or 4 weeks.  He wants nothing to do with being close to me any more.  We had sex just now, before he left but there was noting there.  I felt like he was just doing it for me because he knew I wanted to, because he didnt want to cause more friction between us.  Not because he wanted to,  I wanted it, more than anything, not just from a physical standpoint but an emotional one as well.  But what just happened is not what I wanted/needed,it was JUST sex and I got nothing more than an orgasm out of the whole thing.  I pretty well feel like I could have just done that on my own, I didnt need to wait around for him.  Didnt need the reminder that he’s not interested in being close to me.  Not at all.

I’ve been trying to be close to him, to play around with him, touch him as much as I can but I just feel like hes pushing me away.  What am I to do? Are we nearing the end of our romance?  Is this what life is going to be like for us? Are we going to be one of those couples who stay together just for the kids, just because its the "right" thing to do?  What has happened to us?  Will we be able to overcome it?

Does he wish for a different life?  Wish that he could go back in time given what he knows now?  Is this life too much for him, not what he had planned for himself?  Does he wish other things had worked out for him instead?  What is he thinking?  How is he feeling?  I dont know and probably never will because he doesnt tell me these things.  I try to ask, I poke and prod hoping to get something out of him and it never works.  The other night he started to talk to me and I listened, at the end it sounded like he slightly chuckled and the way he said what he said sounded a bit funny, so I thought he was trying to be a little lighthearted about it and I laughed thinking I was giggling with him.  Apparently I was wrong, he hadnt chuckled and now he thinks I was laughing AT him.  Thats not true, not true at all, I would never laugh at his feelings……never.  Ive apologized and told him I wasnt laughing at him but hes still convinced thats what happened.  I just dont know what to do anymore, he doesnt seem happy with me, I KNOW hes not happy.

Where do I go from here?  I love him, I love him with all my heart, on top of that I am sooooo IN love with him, more now than I ever have been before and ever thought I could be.  I am amazed that he is my husband and so grateful for that.  I am such a lucky girl, he is so good to me and I also know that I do not deserve it and it could all be gone in an instant.  I know I dont tell him or show him enough how much he means to me and how appreciative I am of all the things he does for me, for Brooke, for our family, and I vowed to do that more this year, but maybe Im too late?!  I dont know what to do, should I just sit back and wait, wait to see what happens? 

Right now, were just going through the motions, our relationship is just going through the motions.  Hopefully things will fall into place soon, hopefully into a good place.  This in between, uncertainty is killing me though, I need to know something.  I need to.