Failing already

So much to tell.  Saturday my sister got married.  The wedding was nice, I was the Matron of Honor, looking like and feeling like a stuffed potato.  Sooooo uncomfy.  A few things upset me but so trivial now, not even worth mentioning.  My ex, the asshole, was the best man. 

At one point during the reception he called me over to him.  Thanks me for speaking to him at all that day, even though he was sure it was just for my sister and her husband, which it was.  He went on to tell me that he was sorry for everything he ever did to me, that if he had it to do all over again he would, differently.  He said he doesnt want us to be enemies, and that he will always have a special place for me in his heart.  That he has never had a girl love him like I did and that he hasnt had girlfriends since me.  Basically my response was I dont exactly hate him but the sound of his voice makes my skin crawl.  I blame our past on our age, I was 17 and dumb and that Im VERY happy with what I have now.  He told me that it was messed up to blame it on age, basically he was saying it was something special.  Back then, yeah, maybe it was, but looking at it now…..I think I was 17 and dumb.  I told him it was 5 years ago, Im over it, Im past it and he really messed me up for a while.  So, inconclusion, I will not be as cold to him any more, I will at least acknowledge him, I dont want to be BFF’s I dont even want to be friends, but I will be sociable.  He means nothing to me, nothing at all.  But, quite honestly, it was nice to hear him say all that.  He has basically said all that to me before, so it wasnt exactly a shock, but it still makes me feel good.  At least he knows what he did, at least he admits fault, at least he regrets it.

Stephen would never dream of doing those things to me, and I love and appreciate him so much for that, just for knowing that.

So, Monday I thought I was having a really bad case of morning sickness.  I some how managed to make it through the day.  Went home and laid down for a few hours before Stephen got home.  The day before I was telling Stephen I didnt feel pregnant, so I took another test just to make sure (silly I know) and before the urine completed its trip across the viewing window the plus sign was visible.  So, I thought for sure on Monday the baby was punishing me for doubting its existence.  Silly little Piglet.

I joined the family for dinner and barely held it down.  I hadnt even finished my lunch that day because it made me sick.  I felt like I was gonna barf and got up and went to the bathroom.  Stephen followed, held my hair back, even though it was already pulled back, rubbed my back….and then the games began.  He got me a cool wet rag and was very sweet about it all.  I ended up puking one more time and then for the rest of the night liquids were flowing from the other end.  TMI I know.  I still feel a bit sick today.  I took the day off yesterday.  Stephen was feeling a bit sick last night too.  My sister reminded me this morning that my Nana and my great Aunt both had a stomach bug during the wedding.  So, it wasnt the little Piglet punishing me.  Sadly though, because of Piglet I cant do much but wait it all out.  Makes for a very miserable time.

BTW, Stephen decided to see if he was expecting as well……we were totally heart broken when the negative sign appeared. 

So, today was my appointment with Medicaid.  We got denied.  I feel miserable, like a failure.  What was I doing thinking it wouldnt be a problem if I got pregnant.  I should have taken preventative measures.  I feel like I am already failing as this childs mother, I cannot provide it with what it needs and Im barely through the first trimester.  What a shitty parent that makes me, and its not just because I got denied for Medicaid.

The lady at the office said that once you go over their maximum income allowance they dont even take into consideration your expenses.  I told her that was VERY unfair considering as it stands now, with JUST paying bills, I am already at least $300 a month short.  With a baby on the way that makes things ALOT worse.  She agreed and was looking over our expenses and said she totally understood what I was saying but that she didnt make the rules.  I told her I understood that as my eyes started to tear up.  I tried so hard not to start bawling right then and there.  She had to go make some copies and I used that time to let a few out and dry my eyes before she got back.  She started trying to give me other options, at least she was compassionate about it.  One of the options she gave me was quitting my job.  She said if I quit and came back in I would for sure get approved, I told her that wasnt an option because then my bills would NEVER get paid.

I called Stephen after I left the office.  I snapped when he tried to be positive and say that we will make it work.  I told him "Thats not a good enough answer" because honestly its not, but I know its the best he can do.  I know he is trying to be sweet and stay positive, because goodness knows one of us needs to.  But I need a plan.

I’ve emailed HR about the insurance.  Seeing if theres any way I can get instant benefits.  Stephen suggested waiting until open enrollment, which is supposed to be the end of this month or first of next, but I said that I would have to wait until they kicked in……Id probably have to wait until after the first of the year, putting me past the first trimester, the most crucial time. 

I’m just so frustrated. 

I feel like such a failure.

How can I be responsible for this child if I cant even take care of it while its still just an embryo?

 

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