Cant Help But Laugh

Honestly…..I cant.  I know Ive had trust issues during this relationship………more so at the beginning.  Not now.  I must admit, I am QUITE proud of my growth in that department over the last 6 months.  When I first stumbled upon the stuff he was doing behind my back….its wasnt pretty. I was VERY insecure……unsure if I wanted to remain in the relationship and barely trusted him at all.  Lets just say I kept a watchful eye.  Slowly but surely I have grown out of that habit, and Im proud and VERY happy about that.  I didnt like the ‘monster’ I was.  I didnt like not trusting him.  I didnt like the way it ate at me…..I didnt like how crappy it made me feel…..how depressed I was constantly.  How worried I was……when was the next time Id get hurt. 

Well, he is working tonight……Im trying to keep myself awake….so when he gets home I will be ready to go to bed with him.  So, Im playing on the comp.  I was talking to Mark on Yahoo! catching up with him (side note, its been over a year since Ive seen him or really talked to him) and Jamie on MySpace…..when I decided some music would be useful…….its soooo damn silent in this room……sitting here all alone.

So, I opened up the music files he has on here…..not sure which one to click on, I saw a folder named "Done"  thinking that was all the music he had already organized and stuff, I decided I would listen to what was in it instead of fumbling through the unorganized stuff.  I HATE being unorganized.  It opened and what did I find…….porn.  My heart started pounding, I got a little shaky and I thought "not again".  Up until this point……I HONESTLY cannot remember the last time I "snooped" to see what I could find.  I didnt see any point to it any more…..I trusted him 10000000%.  Now I was second guessing myself…..so, naturally I dug a bit deeper…..I found out he just dowloaded it yesterday and I thumbed through some other things……..just to see if this was a frequent thing as of late.  Didnt find anything…..ofcourse I didnt dig through EVERYTHING, just a few random places.  Nothing showed up.  I considered calling him to see what was up…..but decided against it.  I didnt want to know.  After about 2 minutes……I decided I should call him.  If I didnt, I would only make things worse for myself, I wouldnt be able to sleep peacefully and when he finally got home I would have jumped all over his ass…..pissed.  So I called.

I believe him….I hope he honestly does believe I wasnt trying to snoop.  He put it there as a ‘test’.  He knew I would be home alone all day and wanted to see if I still didnt trust him and if I was still snooping.  I find that very funny.  I wonder how many times hes done that before???  I just think its funny as hell.  I wasnt even trying to snoop and I fell into his trap.  Maybe that was fate stepping in there…..I dunno.  ::Shrugs::

Other than that…….went shopping with bro, sis, and nephew today.  Supposed to have gone dress shopping, ended up not doing much of that at all.  Found the Oscar Myer Weiner Mobile…….took some pics with my phone (turned out crappy) of my bro and Justin beside it.  They went home and I went to Garden Ridge to see what I could find.  3 hours later I spent 65 bucks…….completed my idea for centerpieces……took pics and will share.  Hopefully Stephen has enough money that we can go back tomorrow and buy more……I just bought enough stuff for a test run and I love it.  I will share the pics later. 

I also bought some cute "fat man" (as Stephen and I call it)  stuff.  I want to do the fat italian chef guy in the kitchen of our house…….whenever we get one…..so I bought some stuff.

I also bought some stuff for mom and dads anniversary party.  Plates, napkins, table cloths.  Silly me, forgot to get plates for cake as well….oh well.

Oh yeah…..and I bought a few other things as well.  Will share the pictures later.  I think Im going to make our unity candle…..much cheaper that way.

I also think Ive decided to make gel candles for favors.  Got 10 flutes for the bridal party……gonna decorate them a bit too probably.  They were 88 cents a piece…..not a bad deal if you ask me. 

Plus, I got Stephens mom and boyfriend X-Mas Ornaments.  I like ornaments….probably give them as stocking stuffers this year….if I find cute ones for everyone.  The one I got his mom was Lucy ( I love lucy) and her boyfriend  got Elvis…hes an Elvis freak. 

Im bored out of my mind.  Jamie and Mark are now gone……now I have no one to talk to.  I talked to Jonathan briefly….nothing worth mentioning…..just a hi how are things convo basically.

My body is sooooo stiff, knees hurt, back hurts, feet hurts…..I really did shop till I dropped. 

Plus it FLOODED here……nice electrical storm, while Im trying to drive…..NOT good.  I drove like a grandma and made it home A-Ok.  The electricity in the air was AWESOME, GORGEOUS though….a few times I could see the bolts breaking up, looked like little fire balls in the sky……Im sure those were the ones that actually made contact.  Was a stressful drive home thats for sure!!

Im feeling guilty for spending that much money……I shouldnt have.  I cant afford it.  I called Stephen while I was there and told him I have decided hes not allowed to work any more and leave me alone……unsupervised…..that ALWAYS seems to be when I go shopping and spend too damn much money.  Shame on me.

Alright……..this has gotten longer than expected…….sorry folks…….I will go now!!  Enjoy the rest of your weekend!