TGIF

First things first, I had my eye appointment yesterday.  Im scheduled for my first surgery on May 2nd.   im excited/relieved/nervous all at the same time.  Excited about being able to see.  Relieved the surgery is finally happening and things are coming together and nervous about the proceedure itself.  Either way, its good news.  I have the second surgery for my left eye about a month after the first.

We had an AWESOME day yesterday but a shitty night.

I get so tired of going back and fourth on if I want to end things or not.  Like I told him, I know he loves me, I can see it, I can feel it and I can hear it, but Im still having problems.  He said its because he hurt me and I think I agree.  Infact Im pretty positive thats what it is.  He threw the fact that Im insecure in my face.  That hurt.  How can he hold that against me and be angry with me for that when he has fed my insecurities.  Then he said something about Ive been out of the relationship game for too long, it was like he was saying "this is how things go, you just havent been around long enough to remember."  Thats not right, it doesnt matter how long Ive been outta the game, the fact is you screwed up, what you did was wrong and what you did hurt me.  How long its been since my last relationship has nothing to do with it. 

To me what it seemed like was he was saying everything was my fault.  If I wasnt insecure we wouldnt have our problems.  I admit, Im insecure, but I wasnt this damn insecure to start with.  He’s made it harder for me. 

Then he got all upset because he cant afford to get me a ring and the only person able to help him at this point is Jennifer.  He made me feel like shit, like its my fault he cant get me the ring and fulfill his plans of proposing.  The whole fight was basically about her.  About the fact that for some reason I havent liked her from the moment he first mentioned her. 

I just, I dont know, I dont want to recount every detail, Im still hurting WAY too much. 

He said that he hoped that because I love him I would be willing to meet her, because I love him I would be willing to do anything. 

I feel completely guilty about everything and I dont know why.  I feel like shit. 

Now I feel like I have to meet her to make him happy, to show him that I am willing to do anything.  I told him not to be upset with me if I do meet her and still dont like her, at least I gave it a try.  So, I told him we will go to Carla’s party Saturday night and I will meet her.  Im pretty sure I wont like her, but whatever.  I’ll do it for him.  And grit my teeth the entire time.