*****Im such a wuss…….***** *EDIT*

So, Stephen and I had tried to make it to Scream World a few times and Friday night we finally got there.  I was nervous as hell, I dont do very well in situations where things jump out at me.  Not well at all.  Reluctantly I got out of the car and we headed for the entrance, as afraid as I was I was just as curious about what was inside.  So, I put on a brave face and we started to walk in.  Im dragging behind Stephen, trying to stay as close as possible, scared as hell.  I open my eyes and peek out from behind his back and think to myself, "That doesnt look so bad" and just as Im about to say it outloud to Stephen I hear a noise and out pops homedude with a mask and a butchers knife.  In all honesty the guy wasnt scary, it was just the fact that he jumped at me.  So, I walk just past him and try to collect myself, I look to the right and its VERY dark, that scared me more, I wanted to be able to see what was coming at me a little bit at least.  Then, I turn and look left and homedude is walking towards me, I thought he was back in his little hole by now, he bangs his butchers knife above my head on the wall and yells something so I close my eyes and try to get away and say to him "Please stop"  I was about to cry.  All I wanted to do was stand there and collect myself so I could keep going but nooooo he was still taunting me, so I told Stephen I wanted to leave.  As we walked back past him he jumped out again. Bastard.  The people who ran the place tried to talk me into going in again, but I didnt want to.   The gave us our money back and I left feeling like the biggest retard.  Im such a baby. Im still upset with myself for not going through with it.  The people there were VERY VERY nice though.

I was supposed to go to the zoo on Saturday but I didnt make it there basically because of my blindness.  Ive been so depressed over it this weekend.  Im beyond upset about it, the cataracts are getting worse by the day I swear.  Im going to call later and set up an eye exam, if anything I need a new glasses prescription.  Im also going to see if they offer any kind of financing for Lasik.  I dont have insurance so it will all have to be out of pocket.  I told mom that the one thing I REALLY want for Christmas is Lasik.  She said it was a little more than what she usually spends on Christmas gifts so I told her everyone could pitch in.  I just laid in my dark room all day Saturday upset with myself because of this stupid shit.  Pretty much every day I nearly kill myself driving, at least once, sometimes more.  I have to drive in the left lane because it has a yellow stripe I can actually see, I cant see the white lines on the road.  I shouldnt be driving at all, if I dont kill myself Im going to kill someone else.  This makes me angry.  Im only 22.  Still though, people joke about it and give me a hard time because Im blind, I laugh and joke and play along but inside, it hurts everytime.  They are making fun of my handicap, geeze, that word makes me sick.  Im only 22 I shouldnt be feeling this way, feeling so worthless.  Im sick of people trying to show me things and having to say "I cant see it"  Even color doesnt look the same to me anymore.  I had to change my diary format to this so I could actually read it.  Otherwise I have to drag my mouse across the words to highlight them so I can actually read it.  Maybe the Dr. will offer financing of some sort.  I need to get something done about this ASAP.

I dont deserve Stephen and Stephen deserves WAY better than me.  Im such a shitty girlfriend and hes just too good to me.  Better to me than I deserve thats for damn sure.  He doesnt deserve to be treated the bullshit way I treat him.  I wish I knew how to be better to him, but Im just a shitty person.  I’ve become cold and cynical in the last few years, bitchy and a smart ass.  I appreciate all the things he does for me and yet I still manage to make him feel like I dont.  I need to get my shit together before I end up pushing him away.  Lord knows thats the last thing I want.

Im hungry, depressed and annoyed……….life is just fking GRAND!

*EDIT*

Stephen says hes sending this picture to his mom, isnt that grand, I look a bit off in it.  ::shrugs::

I called the eye dr, they cant see me until next Tuesday, Ive set the appointment.  I looked over my dr’s website and they do have financing for Lasik, but the thing is, in order to get Lasik you have to have stable eye sight for a year.  I dont have that now that I have cataracts.  Hes the one who said I should consider Lasik because not only will it help my vision but it will also get rid of the cataracts, maybe they can make an exception just this once.