What the hell is the point?

What the hell is the point in trying to talk to someone when they dont care enough to pay attention and just tune you out constantly? Thats what I think too, there is none! So, thats exactly what I did last night with Stephen. Im so sick of him tuning me out and ignoring me, last night I was trying to talk to him and again he was doing it, so I finally said I wasnt talking to him and I didnt, for the rest of the night. He eventually asked me what was wrong and I told him to figure it out. Again, what the hell is the point in telling someone something youve already told them a dozen and a half times and they either A) ignore you or B) make jokes about it? And once again, there is no damn point. I have made comments here and there, subtle comments and he pays no attention, then when I just straight up say it, he makes jokes. As I said in my ranting entry the other day, if its happening this soon, its not a good thing. If hes already this uninterested in me, its never going to work.

My heart is breaking, I so want this to work, but at this rate its not going to. I’ve had my insecurities and my doubts the entire time, but this one is something I wont be able to work past. Do you know how bad it hurts to have the one person you cant wait to talk to, cant wait to see, cant wait to feel, ignore you. Maybe Im just being a big girl about things, but maybe Im not. I know its not right, but at the same time I feel so stupid for acting this way. I feel like I have to struggle to keep some form of communication going at all times, either on the phone or in person and it still doesnt work, he just doesnt want to talk to me or listen to me. For instance, when he’s at work and on the phone with me, lots of times he’s either A) engaged in conversation with his partner and Im just left there listening to it or B) paying more attention to the conversation his partner is having with whoever than the conversation Im trying to have with him. In fact there are times where I’ll be right in mid sentence and I will hear him start talking to someone else. Thats bullshit.

I cried some last night before I fell asleep, I cried a bit as I drove to work, I cried a bit after I got here. It just makes me sad. Just hearing his voice always makes me feel so much better, it just……..blah. I give up. I dont know what else to say. Last night at one point I rolled over and he leaned over and pressed his lips to mine, I wanted to kiss him back, I wanted to feel his touch, but at the same time I was hurting, so I didnt kiss him back, I just laid there. This morning when I left I kissed his cheek and told him bye, I didnt get any kind of response. So, I doubt he will call today. Oh well, theres really no point in him calling anyways, he doesnt talk to me. Right? Right!

I had the hardest time falling asleep last night, the silence between us was sooooo loud. Everything was so quiet even the sound of my own breathing was loud. It felt very lonely. He was laying right next to me but still, I felt lonely. He’s good to me, better than anyone else has ever been, and for that Im grateful, but there are other things I could live without, things that I wish were different.

Ok, Im gonna take my sadness and get back to work.

Oh, I wish the Stros would have one at least one game, but I cant be mad at them, they took us to a place we had never been before and theres always next season. That is, after we trade Lidge!

Bye all!

It Matters To Me
Faith Hill

Baby tell me where’d you ever learn
To fight without sayin’ a word
Then waltz back into my life
Like it’s all gonna be alright
Don’t you know how much it hurts

When we don’t talk
When we don’t touch
When it doesn’t feel like we’re even in love
It matters to me
When I don’t know what to say
Don’t know what to do
Don’t know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me

Maybe I still don’t understand
The distance between a woman and a man
So tell me how far it is
And how you can love like this
‘Cause I’m not sure I can

Oh and I don’t know what to say
Don’t know what to do
Don’t know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
Oh it matters to me
Oh it matters to me
It matters to me