Fear, Grandpas, Seziures and Cancer…..

So I have decided to leave my diary as it is.  I WILL not put the entries about him on private.  Why should I?  I’ve been very open and honest in this diary and if I put them on private, that’s like hiding part of me away.  That is not me at all, I am an open person…….LOOK WORLD THIS IS ME, PLAIN AND SIMPLE.  Besides, if I put them on private then he wins.  I REFUSE to let him win.  I didnt give Kris details about what happened, I just told her he called making threats and to keep an eye on what comes in the mail.  I’m sure he probably wont send it.  Want to know whats really funny, it’s ok for him to run his head, but the moment I speak a single word about ANYTHING that goes on between he and I, I am wrong.  He is such an ass. 

Honestly I’m afraid of him.  A note on the previous entry said something to the effect of him not killing me because of fear of jail.  He’s been in jail before, because of me.  The night he beat me, he said he was going to drive by and shoot up my house and he hoped like hell one of the bullets hit me.  I’m afraid that one day I’ll say or do something he wont like, and he’ll beat the shit out of me again.  Only this time, if he’s going to go to jail for it, I’m afraid he might make it worth it, and just go all the way with it.  I SHOULD not have to live with that fear.  I dont want him in my life.  I do my best to keep him out of it.  HE is the one who tries to remain in it.  I was afraid of giving him the letter because it would have pissed him off……he might have acted on his anger.  ::sigh::  I dont know what else to say about it.  I’m afraid, bottom line.  I know that with me saying those 2 simple words he wins royally, I refuse to allow that, but at the same time I do allow it.  He has me so messed up its unreal.  Isnt it usually the ex-GIRLfriend who turns into a psycho??

Onto other news.  Heather’s grandpa died this weekend.  I found out early that morning.  So mom and I bought sympathy cards while we were out and about on Saturday.  We got one for her mom(it was her dad) along with the rest of the family.  I thought it was only right for me to get one specifically for Heather.  In it I told her that I still love her no matter what, despite our ups and downs and if she ever needs me I’m here.  We shall see how she responds.  We’ve known for a while that he was going to go, it was just a matter of when.  Heathers mom, Gayle, was there and gave him CPR until he was gone.  I feel so sad about that.

Then, I get home last night and guess what……another friend’s son, I think he is somewhere around the age of 5, wasnt breathing.  My dad is part of our local volunteer fire department, so he and Billy went out to direct LifeFlight to the ‘victim’ when they got there they realized who it was.  Apparently he started having seziures and wasnt breathing.  LifeFlight couldnt fly all the way out here because of all the bad weather, so they transported him to a local hospital.  Still no word on how he is doing, if he is even doing anything at all.

I also found out this weekend that my mom’s cousin’s breast cancer has returned.  A year ago she lost both breasts and went through treatment.  This time it has come back in her shoulderblade, wrapped around some nerves and such so they cant cut it out.  Apparently when you have breast cancer and something comes up again, its still considered breast cancer.  Michelle is only in her 30’s, she has the sweetest husband, Lee, and 3 little kids, 2 girls and 1 boy.  Her only options at this point would be bone marrow transplant, which requires her to be in Houston for 5 months, over a hundred miles away from her children, or this experimental treatment.  She is going to try the experimental thing first. 

My Nana lost a breast to cancer, her mother lost both breasts, my mom had a scare, as well as my aunt(moms sis).  For years I have said at 21 I will start getting mamograms, because I know that I am at a great risk for it.  Usually they dont allow you to have mamograms until youre at that age or if youve found a lump like Michelle.  Mom says that maybe with my history they MIGHT allow me to have them.  I just know that I’m at risk for it and I want to stay on top of it as much as I can.  If I have it, I want to catch it before it’s too late.  Only problem is, I dont have any form of insurance(which probably would deny the claim) and I surely dont make enough money to run out once every 6 months or so and have one.

Ahh, what a depressing entry.  What a depressing weekend this was.  I’m so fking sad……::sigh::   I guess this is just life for you though.  You get past the bad and look forward to the good.  I know that in due time things will be ok, but right now it just seems so awful.