And thats all I have to say about that…..*EDIT*

Please see the previous entry to understand this one.  

*EDIT*  I realized that I never mentioned in this letter him hitting me and the effect it has had on me.  Should I mention it, or should I just assume that since it did not flow out of me as I was writing this then it does not bother me as much?  Dont get me wrong, it bothers me, I am emotionally wrecked from that as well, but I think the things mentioned in the letter are what are really weighing heavy on my heart.  I think I have truly forgiven him for hitting me, but not all the other stuff.

 

12/16/04

Joseph-

 

 

I understand that by in writing this I will probably create a bunch of drama and unnecessary chaos.  As I said the other night, anytime I say anything that you do not like it creates an extremely hostile environment and such.  I am willing to take that risk because I am tired of playing the fool.  As you said we are no longer together so why should I be afraid to tell you how I feel, you say things people don’t like and they will get over it.  Right?  I don’t even know where to start with this.  So I’m going to throw my thoughts out as they come in a disorderly fashion.  Perhaps by the end of this things will make sense.  We shall see.

 

 

For 4 years I have been your fool.  That is 4 years too long.  I have had my fair share of it and will not be your fool any longer.  I have done, said and acted in ways that I NEVER thought possible simply for you.  Why?  Were you worth it?  I used to think so…now I know better.  I have made so many mistakes in my past for you.  I wont say I regret them, I don’t regret a damn thing.  I have learned from each and every one of those mistakes, making it hard to regret them.  I do however wish that I would have thought things through a bit more before diving head first into those mistakes. 

 

 

I haven’t cried for you or over you in well over a year.  It’s impossible for me to cry regarding you.  Until today, I have shed a few today.  Not for you or over you but because of you.  Mostly because of anger with myself.  I am angry with myself for allowing you to have the control over me you have for so long.  For allowing you to play me as a fool for so long.  For believing in my heart that you weren’t such a bad person.  For sticking up for you when others open their mouths about you, telling them that they were wrong about you.  For giving myself to you in ways you don’t deserve.

 

 

I understand the past is in the past.  Forgive and forget right?  Wrong.  I have tried my hardest to forgive you for everything that you have done to me throughout the last 4 years.  I will NEVER forget, that’s just out of the question, you can’t forget such things.  I convinced myself I had forgiven you and that I was over it, for the most part I have and I am.  But the truth of the matter is I cannot forgive you for the person you have caused me to become.  I am bitter and untrusting, cynical and numb.  I feel worthless, unwanted, disrespected the list continues.  You have worn me down so much to the point of feeling like nothing.  Or even feeling nothing at all.  You made a comment the other night about holding me back. The truth of the matter is you are.  Not with your physical presence but with all the harsh emotions you have created in me. 

 

 

While we were together you made me feel stupid, worthless, unwanted, like I was nothing at all.  You were the king all mighty your word was law.  You did as you pleased and I sat back and allowed it.  So many nights I cried myself to sleep because you neglected me.  The moment I opened my mouth about it I was called names, talked down to, yelled at and stormed out on.  Never once did you take into consideration my feelings, why I was cranky, why I demanded more of your attention. 

You just yelled at me and told me you could do what the fuck you wanted to do, I wasn’t your momma and that no one tells you what to do.  Do you have ANY idea how it feels to be treated this way?  Joseph, I cared about you, I loved you, and I would have done anything in my power to make you happy, I wanted to do anything to make you happy.  Maybe that’s where I went wrong.  I tried to explain I was just worried about you, I would call to see if you were coming home and you would just turn your phone off, bitch at me for calling and checking on you etc.  I was tired of sleeping alone while you were out doing God knows what.  Then I started to catch you in lies.  When I confronted you, you ALWAYS turned it around on me.  I ended up being the one apologizing when in all honesty I hadn’t done a damn thing wrong.  This is the way it’s ALWAYS been for us, I’m always left apologizing for things I didn’t do.

 

 

I knew in my heart you had been with someone else.  Shortly after we moved into that room in the office you started to get extremely distant and didn’t want to touch me at all.  You started saying you were sick, or tired and would bitch at me when I tried to be intimate with you.  I told myself it was out of guilt on your behalf, you felt bad about what you had done, wanted to tell me but couldn’t.  Then I convinced myself I was wrong, you hadn’t cheated at all only to come to find out I wasn’t wrong at all.  Honest to God, I thought you had cheated before you even moved to your dad’s house.  You didn’t want me to see the gyno, that in itself was a bit strange, then when I started to get sores in my mouth, you looked for an excuse for that.  I think I even mentioned to Sam while I was living alone at your moms that I thought you had cheated.  Perhaps you hadn’t cheated by then, I guess I will never know.  I’m not even sure that I want to know.  Then, to think you want to blame that on me as well.  Joseph, you gave me reasons to doubt you, if you honestly think about things and if they had been reversed you would have thought I was cheating as well.  So naturally I asked about it…THAT IS NOT what caused you to cheat.  I am NOT to blame for your mistake simply because I felt like something was going on.   Again I am left feeling like shit, like I am the bad person because you want to turn it around on me.  Well not this time, I WILL NOT take the blame for it.  You CANNOT blame me for your infidelity simply because I asked you about it. 

 

 

It took me at least a year and half to get over you.  Not just you, but coming to terms with everything that had taken place.  Understanding myself and trying to figure out why I had allowed you to do to me what you had done.  Why I had allowed you to transform me into the angry bitter empty shell of a person I was.  I was severely depressed throughout that entire time.  I was a terrible person, then one day I realized it wasn’t worth it, I didn’t deserve what you had done to me and I wasn’t going to allow myself to dwell on it any longer.  I started to mature and turn into an AWESOME person.  Yet part of me is still angry and bitter.  As I said before you have made me all of the awful things.  I understand that not everyone is like you, not everyone will treat me as you have, but it’s hard to not want to believe that.  I have pushed soooo many wonderful people away out of fear.  I’m afraid of going through all that again.  I’m only 21; I should not have emotions such as these.  It’s unfair.

 

 

Then, earlier this year, you called, saying things like you wanted to try again and such.  By this point I was well over you, you were the furthest thing from my mind.  I didn’t want to try again; I knew things would be the same.  Over and over again though I started to notice subtle changes in you, or at least I thought I did.  Perhaps you had grown up, matured and were on the right track.  Only to find out that again I was wrong.  I kept telling everyone that they were wrong about you.  That you were different this time.  How foolish of me. 

 

 

Shortly after that you confided in me that you wanted to get me pregnant, that you had been trying for a few months.  I was shocked.  By this point I was ju

st in it for the sex, I didn’t want to be with you, I loved you but I was no longer in love with you……and now to find out you want to have a child with me.  I agreed out loud, but inside I was screaming no.  I would pray that I wasn’t pregnant after every encounter with you.  I started to question you about it, to make sure you were sure you wanted it and you couldn’t answer me.  Turns out you were going around saying I was begging you to get me pregnant, calling me a bitch, saying you were never sleeping with me again.  Where the hell did all that come from?  Then you started getting annoyed with me because I never call you like you’d like.   Come to find out you were saying I was the one always calling you, that I wont leave you alone and such.  Again, where did that come from?

 

 

You are two faced.  To my face you are sweet and gentle most of the time, but behind my back you are cruel.  No one has balls enough to tell me though so I am made to look like even more of a fool.  Why can you not tell me to my face what your true feelings are?  I’ve asked you time and time again to do that but you refuse.  I don’t understand why.  You have no problem telling other people how you feel about me.  I started to think that perhaps it’s just an act for everyone else.  You have ALWAYS aimed to please everyone else, have always been a follower, never really a leader.  So I thought you were saying these things behind my back because you didn’t want anyone to know the truth.  That how you acted when it was just you and I, the things you said while we were alone were actually the truth.  How you truly viewed me.  We learn from the past, and as they say history repeats itself.  Time and time again I’ve tried to think positive only to find out I was wrong, causing me to think that again I am wrong.  So perhaps how you treat me when we are alone is the true act and not your true feelings. 

 

 

By no means am I writing this to declare myself a saint.  Not at all, as I said at the start I have made mistakes in my past.  I am writing this to truthfully say what I feel and share the emotions I have been carrying around hidden for years.  Once and for all I’m letting you know how I feel.

 

 

I was hoping that we could always remain friends, but after thinking about this long and hard I realize that is not possible.  You will always be the person you have always been, and our relationship will always remain the same.  Things will never change and I cannot allow myself to be your fool any longer.  I pray like hell that again I am wrong.  That one day you & I will be able to be friends without me playing the fool.  If not then I pray like hell that one day something will happen to you that will open your eyes.

 

 

Either way, best of luck to you in everything, please take care of yourself.