What kind of fool do you think I am

Ok first of all, the things I said I needed to mention.

Toby-Not this last Thursday, but the one before that (11/18) on the drive home I told mom I was about due for a call from Toby, it had been about the usual time frame between his calls. Sure enough, I get home and my brother tells me he called. I mix myself a drink, discard my clothes and crawl into bed for the night. Shortly there after as I’m flipping through the channels the phone rings….its Toby. BLAH, I answer it and talk to him for a bit. He wants me to come over, I refuse. Apparently he had been drinking by himself as well and this was a drunk call, gotta love those. He goes on to tell me that he wants to know where I stand, starts mentioning bf/gf crap. "Toby, in the last 2 years never once have I ever said anything about us having to hook up have I, I have always been ok with us just fking" I said this because he was making comments like he figured thats what I wanted or something. I told him I just wanted him to always be straight up with me, no bullshittin, dont call me promising things you wont do……all in all I’d say it was a good conversation. We talked for nearly 2 hours. I let him know that at the start I liked him and wondered what more would be like, but now I’m perfectly content with nothing. Perhaps I’ve taught him a lesson and he wont treat the next girl like he has me. That’s all I can hope for.

Joseph…talking shit about me, saying I BEGGED him to knock me up!! BULLSHIT! If ANY of you have been following that part of the story, you know thats beyond false. The Saturday after Toby, Joseph called me, I mentioned it to Kris and she said he had been sayin shit, so I went and asked Billy about it. He told Billy, Dennis ***** and this other guy at Billy’s work "Fk that bitch, I’m not fking her anymore blah blah blah" He told them he wasnt calling me anymore, so I informed Billy that I had just got off the phone with him, Billy laughed and said "He’s a lying son of a bitch" I told Billy about the night Joseph confirmed he was trying to knock me up for some time and such. Billy laughed. So, I decided, fk him, he wants to play like that, fine, I would prove that he was lying. He called again later "Is there anything you want to tell me?" "No, why" I said "No reason, just curious" then I agreed to meet up with him, sweet talked him into paying for a room. I picked him up and we sped off to the hotel. Once we get there he is all sweet and lovey dovey and crap. ::rolls her eyes:: I was laying on the bed on my tummy watching tv so he comes and lays down on my back and wraps his arms around me tight. Shit like this carried on all fking night and he took me to breakfast the next morning. I slept with him that last time just to prove I could and he was talking out his ass to those guys. I swear when it’s just he and I he is a totally different person, he is afraid of letting anyone else outside of he and I know whats really up. I guess he is afraid of looking weak. So thats that, I’m done.

Heather has been hanging out with Mark alot lately. Infact when I was over there Friday night she showed up. My gut tells me she is trying to ease her way back in. I’ll have to get Mark alone again and see whats up. She never calls me or anything so I’m done with her as well, she can kiss my ass. I’ll be friends with just Mark. He treats me better than she does anyways, and has more respect for me.

Thursday night Kris, John and I went next door to see what everyone was doing, as we are nearing the shop we hear yelling and such, Kris takes off and I know its a fight. We enter the shop and Billy and this guy named Nacho are fighting. We get in there and are trying to calm Billy down while Nacho is steadily talking shit. So I say "Just shut the fk up" He gets in my face pointing his finger, damn near hitting the tip of my nose with it "Fk you bitch, I’ll lay your fking ass out right here" "Go ahead I’m not afraid" "Bitch you dont know who the fk I am" "I dont give a shit who you are" Then he goes on to tell me that I wasnt there and that he did nothing wrong "I never said I was here, or that you did anything wrong, and if you didnt do anything wrong then why the hell dont you just shut the fk up and leave it alone" He gets in my face again yelling and making threats then I say "What are you like 2" He says "No, are you" more words are said…"Just because youre fking him" "I aint fkin no damn body" That really pissed me off, I wanted to hit the hell outta that bastard for making that comment. I’m not fking Billy, I admit mistakes were made, but I’ve grown up, so who the hell does he think he is to be talking shit about me and situations he dont know a DAMN thing about. Shortly after that I left and took Josh to the store. When I got back Kris said Dennis ***** said "If this had been my shop he and I would have been outside, no way is he going to talk to her or any female like that" Well, thanks asshole, I appreciate it, even though you ARE the one who said if I’d fk you you would fix my transmission for free. Apparently Dennis(neighbor) told Nacho he needed to apologize to me. I told him I’ll accept your apology but I DO NOT want you back at my house ever again. I swear on my life if I catch him back at my house I will go off on him. Thats just bullshit, dont get in my fking face threatening me telling me youre going to hit me and expect to get away with it. ASSHOLE!

Josh has said he will loan me the money to get my truck fixed. WHOO HOO, just have to finalize those plans.

My new thing is, if you dont have 3 DAMN good reasons to even be in my space, you are not allowed there, nor wanted. I’m sick of people (guys) thinking they can get their way with me easy as pie. I’m putting my foot down. I dont need a damn one of you bastards!!!! And FYI I can make myself cum harder, longer, more frequent than any of you pencil dicks! SO I DONT NEED YOU!

Kris and I went shopping on Friday, lots of good deals. I was soooo happy to be done with my shopping. Until last night. I bought Kris and John each a camcorder. Mom has been riding my ass about it the whole time, how I shouldnt have spent the money and such…..well I dont give a fk what I should or shouldnt have done,this is what I wanted to give them, so I was gonna do it no matter what. Turns out Billy’s dad got Kris and them one and gave it to them last night. I was soooo upset I went to bed and cried. EVERY time I try to do something nice, get excited about something, I get stomped on. It was bad enough with mom on my ass, now those mother fkers went and ruined the entire damn thing. Now I’m not going to have any money until Christmas week, so I’ll have to venture out then and try to find something decent enough to replace the cam. I feel cheated. Why cant anything ever go right? So much for being done with my shopping now.

Saturday my aunt called and woke me up, they were getting ready to make sausage. I LOVE making sausage and eating it. It’s pork and deer. So mom and I got up and made the hour drive up there to help. I stuffed about 100lbs of sausage. We got home around midnight. It was a nice trip.

Sunday I babysat Froggie for a bit, was planning on cleaning my room. ::shrugs::

Next weekend is Froggies b

irthday party, plus the volunteer holiday party at the zoo.

I’m sooooo fking depressed. I wonder if anyone would really miss me if I were gone. Last night I had thoughts of ending it all. I doubt I could ever really do that. I know I have good days worth living for, but I have NOTHING to live for. I’m going nowhere fast. I’m feeling sooooo disrespected lately, I cant step foot outside my door without something happening. At Dennis’ that night playing pool (Nacho night) Dennis was being a pervert towards me, he and I have already been through this (I’ve mentioned it before). Why the hell cant I get respect? I dont just mean from guys, I mean from the entire fking population!

I dreamt of a marriage proposal in an airport. Strange huh?!?!? Good thing he got white gold instead of yellow gold, I hate yellow gold. I lowered myself down to his eye level, cried and told him we are too different, like oil and water. Then turned to get on my plane. He turned and just as I got to my gate, I turned and ran after him. Too bad I couldnt see his face to know who he was.  I have an idea of who it MIGHT have been, but I dunno ::shrugs::

I wonder if anyone would really miss me if I were gone?!?!?!