Acadia

February 12, 2003

Not feeling safe today, Andy has me spending my time in the millieu. I really like want to end my life right now – I’m ugly, I’m fat, I have nothing to offer – the boys didn’t even get much out of the visit yesterday they didn’t have a whole lot to say to me. Doesn’t seem to me that they missed me too much. I want to get hold of one of my bras and wrap it around my neck – strangle myself – so I told Clinton, and he wants me to sleep in the quiet room but he needs Judy to be with me why I get changed–Judy says my records say that I tried to strangle myself with my bra down on 2S, but at least I told this time before I did something. What am I going to do? I have been fighting these demons since November – nothing seems to be getting any better.

February 13, 2003

Woke up in the quiet room – I have a new behavior plan, same one I was on when I was on when I first got here. Dr. Riaz also prescribed Zyprexa 3x a day for a prn for scratching. Still feeling suicidal – hoping this feeling goes away – I want so bad to go to my room and get a bra and wrap it around my neck and pull – and I really don’t want to tell anybody – just do it. Just expire. It’s such an effort to do this – to try to explain to people why I don’t want to live anymore. Nobody would miss me anyway – I have nothing to offer anyone. Maybe I will have a meeting with Dr. Riaz + Rodney later, I’ll let Rodney read this, and maybe they can explain to me why I feel this way. (?)

I took the bra and tried to strangle myself, but was caught – got my bra taken away (hopefully they give it back). Dr. Riaz prescribed Ativan 3x a day as a prn – we’ll see how it works. Kevin called and told me to "hang in there" – I talked to Paula who said she hoped I get better soon. I still want to die – I want to fall asleep and never wake up.

February 14, 2003

Feeling hasn’t gone away yet. Been having awful dreams – I wake up and forget who I am and where I am. Then when I do remember I’m back in the past–I don’t know which is worse, being a teenager beat up and f***ed by your step-father or being a woman in your thirties who can’t control herself and lives in a nuthouse? I just can’t deal with this bullshit anymore! I want to die! This can’t happen anymore, Dr. Riaz has got to let me out of here. I can’t stand being locked away any longer. Kevin wouldn’t miss me if I was gone, and the kids would really would be better off – I could go, I could.

Something else I had to write about and address with Rodney. Waking up and thinking I’m in front of myself of a teenager in East Machais. It’s just a strange experience, I’m going to try to understand it now so I can explain it to him. I never know where I am going to be when I open my eyes. It’s damn confusing.