Acadia

January 13, 2003

Just had a visit with Kevin and the boys – we had pizza in my room. It was a really good visit, I missed the boys – and they behaved quite well. Kevin said that he wouldn’t mind if they gave me more time on my court date, he doesn’t want me home until I am really ready. Dr. Riaz told me today if I had a good next three days, they will move me up to a level 3 – that means I will be able to go to my room and to the cafeteria–today was "good" – no thoughts of hurting myself, but I did scratch a little. Dr. Riaz prescribed a medication that should stop that – we’ll see.

I’ve discovered that I don’t remember the ECT this morning – I do remember going down this a.m., but I don’t remember the IV, going in for the procedure, or coming back upstairs. That’s the "biggest" memory loss so far. I did also forget who the president was, but if this is the only memory loss, I think I can handle it. Well, starting to feel a little "high" – a little manic, I’m going to go to bed so I don’t get into any trouble. My roommate is sitting next to me on the couch, feeding a popsicle to her Teddy Bear. (?) I had to write about it bcause I find it odd, but I don’t want to tell anybody and "betray" her, do you know what I mean? Tomorrow she is being transferred to BMHI anyway, maybe.

January 14, 2003

Had my meeting with Dr. Riaz already this morning. He told me I’m looking better. I sat there and picked one of my scabs till it bled. I told Dr. Riaz that I wasn’t having any thoughts of hurting myself, but they are there, if I could just find a cord–this thinking is going to get me nowhere–I can’t really describe how I feel right now, not happy or up, like I was last night, more depressed – "down" and personally, I don’t really feel like talking about it right now. I almost feel like if I tell somebody they’ll think I’m lying or something, you know? I’m gonna distract myself, I’m gonna go get a book to read.

I just got done talking to a doctor who works for the court, he said he was going to recommend that I stay here. Oh, goodie. Also, Dr. Riaz stuck me back on Reverse checks! Maybe Thursday I’ll get the priviledge of going to my room. (?) Dr. B (the doctor from the court) said that he thought I was "actively" suicidal. He had me in there talking for an hour, he seemed like a really nice guy.